March 05, 2012

Needs..(?)

New dramatherapist is lovely, the first was good but this one maybe has a wee bit more feistiness about her. I'm a good bit further on of course as well though. The reading I've been doing, and just that bit longer living on my own and feeling more or less safe. We talked about Little Me and I picked a furry animal with big eyes to represent her and put her in the sand box. I choose others to, an eagle for angry me, a ram for obvious sheep/lamb related reasons, a Russian dole for party girl and a dolphin for harmony me. I was worried the eagle might eat the sheep. She talked about individual dramatherapy and I am quite tempted but we need the group stuff as well, its a laugh, I like the other group members, its extremely good for me to be around people and feel safe. I could see people coming out in individual therapy in ways that wouldn't happen in groups though. She suggested individual sessions for when I wasn't up for group, a very good idea, I think wee might just do that.

Ordered an mp3 player for the journey to and from the new shrink. I'm really looking forward to it, having therapy that bit further geographically from family. I will walk more when wee mans at nursery when I have tunes to, good, good.

Woke up in a lot of pain this morning, its eased now but it was awful at the time. Lots of flickering around, trying not to associate absence of spliffage with absence of love. A was driving me to meet the new dramatherapist when he said it didn't think spliffage helped, he doesn't know what its like in here, I've told him some stuff so he thinks I've told him a lot. Bottles of wine, much better for me, so is cutting fantasies, tremous and feeling like I'm dead weight. He got me to that appointment though and took junior to nursery so I can't complain to much.

Biggest sis was on a major bender recently, turned up after traveling down from my dad's so pissed she could barely talk. With two little kids, rucksack and buggy lost along the way. The next day my mum couldn't go to work because she was blotto again. Fucking terrifying, so angry at her partner for letting her leave, two buses, one train in a state with two kids. His kids. I wish someone along the way had called the police, shes protected from rock bottom and I can't see her facing up to the problem until something horrible happens. I love those kids. I wonder if she got together with her lad because she knew he wouldn't help her in anyway what so ever, he'd just be a prick and give her an excuse. Fuck knows.

I told my mum that over Christmas I told big sis that my dad had admitted the incest, him and his brother. All she said was 'really?'. She supporting me in therapies by babysitting even though she doesn't believe in it which is more than something. I don't know if she has much memories of everything that happened, she keeps herself too busy to have much time to think. I remembered something the other day, I don't think I've written it before, not sure. I was in my mid teens, on the bed in my room, she was dildo fucking me, anally. I was crying and begging her to stop. It must of been some networked controlled weekend. I saw a flicker, felt a hesitation, a change in her, I pulled it out and put it under her nose. 'Look mum, look at what you doing, what your doing to me' She keep her eyes lowered and hurried out the room, shutting the door behind her.

Right. Whoes gonna do the dishes?
Fuck it we'll go to Morrisions for tea.