March 11, 2012

Old city- New Shrink

I set the alarm far too early, I always do. I have all these fantasies about all the stuff I'm going to do in when I get up. I dragged myself out of bed about an hour after the alarm first went of with plenty of time to do what I needed to do. I showered, took down the details I needed from my emails and remembered my phone, mp3 player and everything. Hanging about the house when I have an appointment is always a nightmare I'm often very early for things. This time it was handled it positively by eating a pretty decent bacon sandwich with a cup of tea in the very basic bus station cafe. The bacon wasn't too fatty, the marge with lightly spread and melted, the tangy cheap tomato sauce was perfect. The girl serving was smiley. I was going to buy fags afterwards but all the cash machines charged so I resisted and sucked heavily on my inhalator like a toddler on a dummy. There was the customary panic about the bus not turning up or me taking down the wrong details but it was brief and I didn't freak out in the crowd of peoples waiting to board.

Back in the big city the fags were bought, the usual 'Sorry' from the man selling because of my soft spoken mixed up accent. The same from the cute bloke in Nero's, mocha with cream and a blue berry muffin. Texts between me and G, I was very glad of them in the limbo time before the appointment. Freaked out a bit when I saw the key pad at the door of the rooms, wondered down the stairs, went back up, pushed the door, discovered it was open, buzzed the correct number and a man came out. He seems alright, he cant make it every week either which convenient, and he's read the Greenbaum speech, and he accepting more the half the going rate.

On the streets there was a few unfamiliar gawkers, and a possible wink, nothing too much to deal with. Afterwards I ordered soup and roll I couldn't eat (thickly spread unmelted marge, and noodle soup that was too greasy and salty) then got briefly lost stretching my legs before the bus journey home. A few minutes of sweaty panic and self criticism before things looked familiar again. Journey home was sleepy and picturesque. Saw the usual little me curl up and go to sleep, another took her place, a more damaged, bruised, battered child, who has virtually no sense of self. I held her and tried to ask her if there was anything she wanted but she has little practice at identifying what she wants, her head is down but started to look around. She lashed out at someone, I told her we have to accept everyone, its different now, were safe.

I bought potato salad back home and saw myself sitting on a mans knees in Italy. I hadn't been eating but the smell of his potato salad makes me curious and I ask for a taste. I like it and eat more, a man sitting opposite goes and gets a big plate of different foods, I taste lots its wonderful. Someone offers a cherry tomato, I try it then spit it out in disgust. There is laughter and I'm offered a little sip of wine to wash the taste away. Everyone is smiling and happy that I'm eating, well almost everyone.

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