November 19, 2012

Give us time.

'Give us time.' The policewoman had said. I'd been talking about Savile when he was still alive.  We knew nothing would could happen when he was still alive and that I was too ill to give them much in the way of details that can be investigated, that the nature of his offenses and the cover up goes much further than groping girls and people turning a blind eye.  'I've got Savile's porn', Ferris had said in that bar.  I almost spilled my pint.  I guess I should be grateful and amazed that I still respond emotionally to anything and not hate myself for still believing what people say.  During it all, I had to cling to anything resembling hope even if I knew it was bullshit because I needed it to get through, the next day, the next minute, the next year.  Can't seem to turn it of now even though I have a safe home and an child that is with me and isn't being raped.  Where did the belief that deep down most people want to do the right thing come from? It certainly wasn't what I experienced, another part of the programming I guess.

The support over the net has been so good, the comments, the DMs, the tweets but feeling like part of the human race, part of a community has its downside after so much brutalization.   The past starts to become real, events start to matter again and not just as the sort of shit that happens to people like me.  Keep thinking about Henry, he was mine, that's what the look in eyes said; 'Mum'.  He wasn't the only one of my boys sent to Wales.  There was another one, an older one, our eyes met when I was part of a squad sent down to silence them.  The betrayal, the not surprised but still disgusted at what I was part of, of what I had been turned into, in total contrast to his brother but just as devastating.

I half see baby hands, I half cry, I half hear their voices on the phone talking about their lives in those homes, that home. I don't know what happened to the older one and as for the Henry, I can finally mourn him and feel that bond.  The bond between an abused teenager and the life made by me, to finally look into innocent eyes and know love is real to.

Watching the goddam press preview on Sky I saw myself strangling McAlpine with a cord or something with great determination.  I'm not convinced it was just a fantasy.  I don't generally have this much hate and disgust for someone whose politics I disagree with.  The cults, the rings usually involved families not just individuals with a shared interest.  I read something somewhere about an art collection, that rang a bell, 2001?.  I suspect that if he is involved he is no bit player.  Don't know, maybe he is just a victim to although he isnt acting like one.

Today, tomorrow, the next while isn't about him though, its about the boy who was happy to see me as I killed him and his brother who saw his only source of hope turn out to be just like everyone else.


  1. Armchair Anarchist20 November 2012 at 11:13


    So, how can I help?

    I assume you've seen numerous psychologists at this stage and you will know the experts in this field better than me. Do you need someone who will assist specifically with recovering memory? I see Prof. John Morton has an interest in this and he may have some useful advice, be able to recommend someone.

    'Professor John Morton conducts memory research on amnesia between alter-personalities at the Clinic for Dissociative Studies and elsewhere.'

    He helped Kim Noble. Are you in touch with her? It might be worthwhile making contact with her? to ask her opinion on the experts she has seen at Tavistock/Portman clinics, who in particular, helped with memory retrieval.


  2. Cheers, not sure if I'm ready anymore memory retrieval than I'm already getting! Current wee man has to come first and dont have enough day to day practical support as it is. In terms of helping me, just keep talking to me! Cant stop thinking about lost bairns, I can feel them in my arms.

  3. Armchair Anarchist20 November 2012 at 16:08

    I think you should have specialised support whilst doing this, professionals who would assist in the process and support you. Do you see a counsellor regularly?

    If you're going to talk to Yewtree and be believed, you will need to be as factual, detailed and chronological, as you can be.

    It might assist to have a plan/framework - psychological and legal, in tandem, as you go forward in this process.

    If it was me, I would tackle it chronologically in time. I would approach it as if I were writing an autobiography. I would get my medical/school/local authority records - a great source of info to jog your memory. (Also those authorities would have had a duty of care to you, so there may be negligence issues to be picked up.]

    I would focus in month by month, year by year, describe it in as much as detail as possible, deal with the consequences with a Psychologist, and then move on. Eventually you will come to the end. Otherwise, you will have myriad thoughts and flashbacks constantly swirling in your mind.

    I say all this of course with no idea at all what it's like to be you and no expertise in these areas! So do feel free to take all I say with a pinch of salt!!

    I'm sure the lost children are all fine now and angels on your shoulder.

  4. Thanks AA, I had a great (also slightly barmy) NHS psychiatrist and a private therapist who is fantastic. I am not going to put to much effort into figuring out what I'm going to say to the police until I know who and what I'm dealing with. I have been here before and have put a great effort into writing up a history that they didnt want to know about. I have given the basics many times to police so I need to find out first what if anything they already know.

    As for the kids, some of them are still alive.


  5. Armchair Anarchist20 November 2012 at 18:48

    Yes, but it's best to give a full account to police so that down the line no-one can ever accuse you of repeating some detail you saw on TV/net.

    I suppose there's some chance of you recovering something from the Savile Inquiry. Any action relating to others could be a while unless the Davison files reveal it all.
    All you can do in the meantime is tell your story and wait for the jigsaw to come together.

    Are you in contact with others who were involved with same network? The Courts attach weight to similar fact evidence, so it could be important if lots of you are telling police much the same story.

    [Not sure what to say re children as I don't have enough of the story.]

  6. I just want to say that I believe you and I cry for you and your children and I love your writing. And apart from that I just don't know what to say.

  7. Armchair Anarchist26 November 2012 at 23:01

    Some thoughts:

    If you're concerned about Scots police, call Yewtree, tell them your concerns and ask if you could see an English force. I think you should take someone with you to interview, someone with some authority. This is an investigation with a national profile, so I would be surprised if they did take the piss.

    You wondered if it was worth pursuing. I think it's worth a shot. There may be a compensation scheme, like Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority, where if the police accept you were the victim of a crime, then you will be awarded damages, without having to prove it.

    As to what I can offer. My background is legal, so could help you find a solicitor, draft a witness statement, review documents, provide some support, someone for you to bounce questions off as you deal with solicitors and police.

    Solicitors and Police rarely have time to spend hours reading medical/educational/local authority records, so I think it would be useful for you to review them to be able to point them to facts that support your story.

    It's astonishing that a child could develop DID and the issues not be dealt with by doctors, teachers, social workers, so there may be a negligence claim there.

    Speak soon.

  8. Thanks, I will give what you have said some thought but whatever I do has to be for me and in my own time.

  9. armchair anarchist27 November 2012 at 19:12

    Absolutely! You're in charge! It's hard to convey all over the internet. I'm not recommending any route; just saying, whatever you decide to do, then, if the moment occurs where you think you could do with a second opinion/someone to bounce off, then please feel free to call upon my expertise.