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Showing posts from February, 2015

Middle Name

Just saying 'hi'.. Its all change here. Good and bad comes with that of course. Our sense of our self is richer, more connected and stronger, we watch Sky Arts instead of The Big Bang. On the other hand the surfacing that accompanies all that is the patterns and incidents we have already been very aware of recently but in more detail. More context. Not helped of course but that little starry shaped torture implement used a lot by the traffickers and their clients and during lots of those abortions we mentioned has become part of popular everyday culture thanks to fifty shades.

Processing the unprocessable

We worry sometimes that we will get in touch with too much too quickly and get stuck as a part that can't look after it's self or junior. The pain could take us to a place we can't get back from. Much more likely when the visitors with all torture skills, experiments and paraphanalia was regular and some of us worried about that a lot. We thought it had happened sometimes but of course some kind of walking talking state always returned for more of the same but with a little less hope. It seemed such an unnatural thing for a body to do itself to return to a conscious state knowing it would just endure much more. Anything you like but try not to bruise hur face. Sometimes they were allowed to and suprisingly some of the indivuduals, couples or groups I was sold to didnt care about the rules or respect the seller.. We don't get it. We never will. How can you enjoy pain? It's just fucked up. Sometimes they would ask each other to do some of the things that was being don...

Normalised

It does get easier and starts to feel a little less ongoing, a bit less unmanageable the more we start to is share it with ourselves and other people.  Intentionally letting something excruciating return instead of pushing it away, knowing that what happened to cause that pain was not momentary or a one off or accidental but is actually hours and those hours connected to weeks and years of deliberately and carefully planned torture, exploitation and damage. Violent abortions and other extreme horriblenessess are not exactly something that is exactly discussed much but we know ritual abuse survivors talk about it. No idea if the nature of the violence used by traffickers is part of any of the ongoing awareness discussions because we avoid all it because of very strong triggers.. the mainstream media the focus on violence is politicised as always anyway. Brown men traffic white men occasionally share and of course the mutilation of girls genitalia needs to never be tolerated but whe...

distractions

Feels like it is important to recognise where we have gotten to, with ourselves and in therapy so we had the kids over, made some gravy, heated up some roast beef and Yorkies. It makes it realer, being believed and seeing the eyes of someone who has us allowed us to fully be in their presence.  We have somewhere where we can start to air the reasons for the pain honestly and feel much less alone with it all, less alone now and less alone during the worst of it.  Its very validating.   We used to tell ourself that one day we would find someone who would believe us, who would feel for us and think about how it must of felt to go through all that stuff, over and over and to grow up in so much pain. We had to think of something to live or look forward to that all the violence could not take away and it worked but was devastating for some of us to have give up on everything and everyone we wanted, to have their bright futures reduced to nothing, only hours in therapy learning...

post about yesterday's post

We we have the same right for the violence we experienced to be exposed, investigated and subject to the same due process we believe everyone anyone else is entitled to. Those words might seem obvious but they were just as hard to type as the most agonising of words we published last night. Think we should of drafted that more?  We decided not to push it. Its not going anywhere it will still of all happened tomorrow and the next day. It will still be in our head and in our flesh. Besides, its better to wait a while until it becomes easier to deal with when we have gotten more used to it all being an increasingly exposed parts of our head furniture. There increased communication between parts and the revealing of the past, the unravelling of the denial and more detailed body memories and everything else that comes with being in parts that talk to each is not temporary. There are still plenty of blanks of course but we know a bit more about what went on during those times and t...

Abortions

Ok we have covered, all be it briefly being tortured by being raped after objects had been inserted orifice/s, with the aim of pushing the object/s further and further in to cause maximum pain, difficulty in getting it out alone, they wouldnt help until they got what they wanted or gave up. These practices where also linked to forcing open the cervix and causing abortions.  Various stages of pregnancy, saw it happen to others to. Sometimes lots. The pain we are in, thats what it is. Its all been unravelling into a straight line of agonies and horrors.  Feeling it pretty much constantly over past few days, those moments when they eventually broke through and the fluids ran. So many times. Often planned as part of the cultist rings but sometimes just to punish or end a pregnancy from local rapists and gangs or the bigger international traffickers. Little mes, youve met some of them they just want to love and be around nice and pretty things. All bonded and big with a baby ...