February 07, 2015

distractions

Feels like it is important to recognise where we have gotten to, with ourselves and in therapy so we had the kids over, made some gravy, heated up some roast beef and Yorkies. It makes it realer, being believed and seeing the eyes of someone who has us allowed us to fully be in their presence.  We have somewhere where we can start to air the reasons for the pain honestly and feel much less alone with it all, less alone now and less alone during the worst of it.  Its very validating.   We used to tell ourself that one day we would find someone who would believe us, who would feel for us and think about how it must of felt to go through all that stuff, over and over and to grow up in so much pain. We had to think of something to live or look forward to that all the violence could not take away and it worked but was devastating for some of us to have give up on everything and everyone we wanted, to have their bright futures reduced to nothing, only hours in therapy learning how to walk, talk and eat again.

It's getting easier to accept that there are a lot of things that some of us want so much that will never happen, lots of those dreams where just illusions made up to manipulate us by abusers anyway but nothing will ever be fair. So many hours during the first twenty years of out life were spent in situations that were physically and/or emotionally unbearable, none of the normal social and sexual stages of development were able to happen. This makes us an outsider, which makes us easier to abuse again and ignore. The pain constantly reinstates this by keeping the trauma fresh and making it impossible for me to build a new life.  My body is a tool for them to silence my voices and control our creativity but we are finding ourselves again by listening to our flesh. It is just going to keep screaming at me until its fully heard anyway.  There is lots we can and have done for ourselves when comes to managing that screaming but we need people outside to show us that they hear it to and that we matter, therapist is doing that.

We are using EMDR, just some quiet noises and tunes that we listen to while we talk. Headphones are not without their issues of course for us but it is definitely better than any physical touch, or focusing on fingers. She gave us the name of the Dr whose approach she is basing our work on but we have lost it and weren't that interested in looking anyway we were comfortable enough with what we have been told. The stuff about getting the trauma memories out of the centre of the brain and into the more outside parts (cortexs an that) seems like it can be simple enough for lots of us to understand. The EMDR helps move the trauma memories out of the more primitive, central parts of the brain where everything feels intensive and unreal to parts of the brain where 'normal' memories are held, things that you can think and talk about without severe anxiety and dissociating. I think she said this is done by following the connections in the brain which would lead to new pathways being formed.. or something.. what we are certain about is when she talks about it being like 'going the dots' it triggers something/someone alive and hopeful in us. It all feels very natural and we know some of the rings did some experiments with it but we aren't too intimated by whatever is being or will be brought up.  It's what happened to our insides that was the worst. The more of those abortions happened the less we cared about anything else. We just needed that to not happen again but even if one lot stopped it didn't mean some other lot would.

I can forgive myself for blacking out all the memories because the thought of any of it happening again and no one believing or caring again is just too terrifying. Like living day to day with the memories of all that was done to us and the faces and number of people who did it. Or living knowing that survivors are supporting people because of their public work for victims but who have been involved in doing things to me that have made my experienced DID therapist cry. Not that we really have much to had to all that other than we can't retract it and we think we are going to know more soon. It might not go here though. It might though. Its that Danzcuk fucker keeps seeing him standing naked and grinning, think I'm naked to and scared, he is between me and the door. There are few of the worst blokes from the BBC and criminal intel and police rings who had been around together a fair bit round that time not far away. None of us have been able convince ourselves that he doesnt look familiar like we have been in the same room with him at least a few times. Then there are the little voices saying he is ugly who feel scared and shamed, followed by bigger voices saying its not nice to speak like that and they feel cold and angry at the littles. Now its those images and feelings we just shared and nausea, loads of connected nausea.  We've been looking at the csa inquiry twitter feed again.. we shouldn't.. but we cant stop ourselves sometimes..we need to learn how to, its not aiding our internal processing its just throwing spanners at us..

So much pain. So much damage to same physical parts of us. We hope to not spend the rest of our days on lots of painkillers and cannabis but its the only way we can have any quality of life a the moment. There is so much more unspeakable things to speak we cant see any big changes any time soon, painkillers and weed it is then.. and colouring in.. and tea

We should probably stop typing now but its a good distraction from hurting, wasnt going to bother but we are worried about losing momentum and slipping back into being frozen and mute.. we wont.. but we might need to rest of course..