February 04, 2015

post about yesterday's post

We we have the same right for the violence we experienced to be exposed, investigated and subject to the same due process we believe everyone anyone else is entitled to.

Those words might seem obvious but they were just as hard to type as the most agonising of words we published last night. Think we should of drafted that more?  We decided not to push it. Its not going anywhere it will still of all happened tomorrow and the next day. It will still be in our head and in our flesh. Besides, its better to wait a while until it becomes easier to deal with when we have gotten more used to it all being an increasingly exposed parts of our head furniture. There increased communication between parts and the revealing of the past, the unravelling of the denial and more detailed body memories and everything else that comes with being in parts that talk to each is not temporary. There are still plenty of blanks of course but we know a bit more about what went on during those times and there are enough details overall for us to have lost the sense of it all being impossible. Too many dots joined up.

This is who we are we. We committed ourselves to getting to a place where we could know ourselves and that is what is happening. Yay us. Whenever in a physical or emotional place to do so we always hated the power that abusers got though controlling our amnesia, we hate not knowing how hard we fought. We also get very angry when we find we are questioning and undermining ourselves after exposure to something produced by industries we know from years of experience to be deeply corrupted by high earning criminals and close knit violent bigots. If we want to feel like who we are, to get away from the freezing, the surprise triggers, the 'unexplainable' extreme feelings, the crippling depression, the secrets and the amnesia then we have to remember without denial or shame or other people's prejudices. Its going to take a long time.

We need to air it, to ourselves and others to stop it festering any longer and because we dont think violence like this should just be hidden or sidelined. Its not possible to have a debate on child abuse, on trafficking on organised violence, to challenge the attitudes and institutions that aid and protect it, get the help victims and survivors the help they need without finding words to describe the worst and without looking at the causes of the worst.  The hate we experienced didnt appear out of nothing and disappear into thin air, doing this and going to therapy is all we can do to put some distance between 'us', 'me' and being a part of that world without being part of a world that protects it by never talking about it. We have to struggle to find the words for so much unspeakable experiences and let out the parts that can only talk about the worst to identify and determine ourself when the world around us constantly denies our existence. We also want to show to other survivors that you can name your worst fears in your worse grammar, the world will go on as before you just feel a little bit less shamed.. Once the post disclosure programs and mood swings have settled of course..

On the positive side, we love becoming demystifyied. To be able to recall what is actually meant by words like 'programming' without massive switching and describe something that caused us so much pain and were treated so consistently inhumanly feels really significant. The cult programmed parts that experienced most of ritualised abuse are now less isolated which means we can put experiences in the context of our snuff life and their experiences are no longer so utterly unexplainable or too horrific to even considering recounting.  Questions are very much being answered and it is a relief as well as exhausting and often unbearable. We came very close to full on incapacitating agonising flashbacks last night but we stayed calm as possible and avoided them with hidden object games, the castle town we are building on our phone and Disney films on netflix.

And drugs. Quite a lot of drugs.. We wouldn't be getting much in the way of positive work done without them we would just be crippled with pain and intrusive memories of forced abortions and the way we were treated after.