February 14, 2015

Processing the unprocessable

We worry sometimes that we will get in touch with too much too quickly and get stuck as a part that can't look after it's self or junior. The pain could take us to a place we can't get back from. Much more likely when the visitors with all torture skills, experiments and paraphanalia was regular and some of us worried about that a lot. We thought it had happened sometimes but of course some kind of walking talking state always returned for more of the same but with a little less hope.

It seemed such an unnatural thing for a body to do itself to return to a conscious state knowing it would just endure much more. Anything you like but try not to bruise hur face. Sometimes they were allowed to and suprisingly some of the indivuduals, couples or groups I was sold to didnt care about the rules or respect the seller..

We don't get it. We never will. How can you enjoy pain? It's just fucked up. Sometimes they would ask each other to do some of the things that was being done to me to themselves or bully each other into submitting to something. I would be glad of the break but it made us even more confused. If they hurt me because they hated me because other people hurt me why would they want to have it done to themselves? 

Some of us felt it was just getting off on fantasising that they were a victim when afterwards they went back to their money, high profile careers, having power, being looked after, being a middle class bloke. But even if I was treated like a princess for a night, or achieved something by working hard to get round the surveillance and the effects of the abuse I will still always be a victim.

It's chills us to know there are people who are so without feelings that they have to get into pain to feel something & people who can't be satisfied without humiliating someone else when we have been stunted and shattered by it. Being the regular toy of so many dead people and their imaginations copied from the worst of the internet when other people had childhoods, were teenagers and it was tolerated doesn't feel like something that we can possibly process. Our therapist would say we can and we are though. 

How are we ever going get to a place when there's is more to our life than a history of being gang raped unravelling itself?  When the inquiries are triggering everyone without any sight of real change in this rotten culture. 

Our joints and muscles will keep telling me how they were stretched, twisted and pulled, how little and how already hurt they were. Our ears tell us the discussed and debated what to do in front of us, who else wanted in the steaming deals  the names 'sperm bank' the hole. We will do this to you again. The phone calls.. 

The same people coming back over and over sometimes taking us away for days or weeks. Get this place cleaned up before we come back and we will feed you. Maybe. Getting worse and worse,  gagging to be the one who got us to states where we did things the others couldn't get us to do or be the one who finally gruesomely finished us. 

Others getting bored of it. All getting more confident, more connected, more established and more rich and more sick and more compromised. 

We have been trying to join the eighties and the ninites. The brutal incest from our uncle and dad after we moved to Aberdeen happened to a part that was so normal, she had no experieces of being raped before and was completly unconnected to all the rest of us trafficked parts. We feel like there's a right brain left brain split in amongst it all, like it's something the EMDR can help with.

Their were parts that were able to watch most of what went on, trying to figure a way out, parts who survived the 80s who knew there were people who cared but they weren't around and this part who was a shy 10, 11 year old girl who was naive to all of it, who believed everything was ok. 

We need to join her up, me up to everything else that we are. We might need to follow the steps back to where she came about. 

When my uncle gave us that abortion and other times by the Dreem Team or Scottish thugs we were relieved they werent going to let the baby grow because as horrible and as painful as the bedroom abortions were we couldn't survive what they did in late term pregnancy and couldn't survive them taking another viable baby. 

They were intentionly doing so much that we eventuly begged them to stop. 'Even though you know we will kill it' they had this thing about always wanting to get us to ask for the abuse like they got us to ask for the abortions. We just cried and tried to hope something might happen to stop them so we could keep baby somewhere safe. 

It's not fair. To have a life after persistent traumas you have to embrace the misery and the agonies that you already lived through. Surely there must be another way? We can understand why some people just refuse.