..dear reader..

Yep. Still here. Something is anyway. The EMDR yesterday absolutely exhausted afterwards got bad for feeling very close to vivid visual as well as physical flashbacks but we could reach out and got through it. Was asleep by  half 10.  Too much Greys Anatomy. Or rather too much trauma in hospitals and elsewhere with abusers had surgical knowledge and disposable people. That's not Greys Anatomy's fault. There's times when we think there must be sonething wrong and getting wronger when it just hurts so much. When there are visual memories to and more detailed context of incidents of being put in or left in excruciating agony there isn't any room for those kinds of worries. Activity is slowly begining again.. Along with an imagination in regards to the house, garden helped of course by the extra funds and the decreasing winter. We are going to grow lots of flowers with the external kids. Starting to feel a a bit less daunted by what we have took on here. Or at least excited...

 Head full of Firenze. And Sean. Physically we are pretty weak and mentally messy but thats ok, we have gapabentin and weed to help stop the 'shoulds' and those mean skinny parts that always push with all they have to direct us away from any path where we intgrate with any reality where we are not subordinated. It suprised us how well and for how long those part took hold they were so everything we knew we weren't that it we didnt believe any of us could ever be in a place where we would let there coldness be something we bowed to.  When we saw those faces, saw how there knees were weak as mine where, saw colour drain from faces and our hands reaching out before our eyes and battered down eyes even met.  I had nothing. We couldnt accept anything for anyone. There were words, brief and guesters that changed everything while we still knew nothing mostly exscept we knew we wanted to show them, we have nothing but we still come here. When the switching starting to slide into...

Gonna have to just regularly plan to not have the sonshine around after therapy. Its always been an issue, the exhaustion afterwards but now there is the extra travelling and the extra work.  Its always tricky trying to find words to describe what its is like in this DID system but at the moment our day to day consciousness is not what it was. This voice is painful difficult to use, forced of course because our usual voice does not speak for us, its under orders and often comes from a place of abject terror.  We are even less anchored to a false and manipulated consciousness, passed a point of no return - ditch the road metaphor this a jungle. We have been playing Skyrim, still. Its helping parts that want nothing to do with conversations, human interaction and everyday life. Everyone is starved of so much normal world development stuff and human needs its impossible to recognise them all. We are headed towards somewhere we cant imagine and its difficult to rest when everyt...

He had an in the momentness that we needed and loved to be around but hated and resented as well. He grounded us just by being there and sometimes we needed to not be grounded, sometimes we had to stay as far away from rock hard realites but it always broke our heart when we remember what we had been when we had to be all delusional for awhile. There was rarely any sign of him being scared or angry at us afterwards. We he said 'It wasn't you' we knew it was true. We would wish he was someone else lots, he seemed like such an idiot sometimes but it was playing a role in the bullshit like we all had he was just better at and got less confused about what really meant something and what didn't. It was a strength and we knew they would spot it and go for it and we didnt want any role in helping them with that beyond they help they would get just from us seeing him. He made us feel complete and like our future was in our own hands but that couldnt happen without us also se...

There's a big meandering post that is unedited and will probably stay that way for a while. We were trying to explain what is making our head spin at the moment. It really is different. This isn't passing parts with fragments that hang around and then go but intigration. Not in parts eating each other up type way but in parts accepting each other's existence.  Histories that were programmed to be mutually exclusive trying to fill in each other's gaps.  We are accepting what a toll that is going to take but it's hard not to worry that we are slipping into bad habits.  More access to my brain means feeling more connected to everything though, our flesh, the world or strange but reliable spirtuality, the possiblity that we find space to make a sexuality to out of hungry and brutalised pieces.   ..Love needs to strong to survive everything that was done to us but it's apparently not impossible.. Everything cost so much though. Too much to right off.  When parts call...

Don't know what's going on with us right now, well not specifically enough anyway. Eating has been real problem again, nausea, vomiting and headaches today..  We are not getting parts coming forward much just feel sore, wierd and sometimes like a little puppy cocking his head to try and see what's really there.  Did the school run this morning but that's only because we didn't sleep at all. Waking up being in pain and feeling so weak is such a horrible way to start the day I can understand why we often want to avoid it.  Taking a break from Skyrim and have been watching season 4 of the Sopranos which suggests a different patch of our system than recently when we couldn't watch Sopranos or play xbox. Before this we were watching lots of RT and feeling like there's is a world out there that we could engage with and plenty to still hope for. That's kinda gone though .. Can't even dream about being ourselves and safe around anyway outside of therapy. Bee...