Sleeepy

Yep. Still here. Something is anyway. The EMDR yesterday absolutely exhausted afterwards got bad for feeling very close to vivid visual as well as physical flashbacks but we could reach out and got through it. Was asleep by  half 10. 

Too much Greys Anatomy. Or rather too much trauma in hospitals and elsewhere with abusers had surgical knowledge and disposable people. That's not Greys Anatomy's fault.

There's times when we think there must be sonething wrong and getting wronger when it just hurts so much. When there are visual memories to and more detailed context of incidents of being put in or left in excruciating agony there isn't any room for those kinds of worries.

Activity is slowly begining again.. Along with an imagination in regards to the house, garden helped of course by the extra funds and the decreasing winter. We are going to grow lots of flowers with the external kids. Starting to feel a a bit less daunted by what we have took on here. Or at least excited as well as daunted again. 

..

We were trying process the uncle Adam stuff in therapy with the headphones and the clicks. Therapist doesn't usually put much effort into trying to keep us on the same subject she says the pathways will be leading somewhere but she was brining us back more this time. 

We don't understand how 'we' who survived the eighties, the moves after the Glen could be so vulnerable to him and 'dad' at that time. We think it's got something to do with a small group of parts having been forced into believing they had to protect other parts. 

Punishment. Told that if we dissociated into parts that weren't amnesiac something even worse would happen. What ever answers we come up with always seem true enough just partial. Like we keep missing something. 

We don't regret the session.  We have few tools available and we would be crippled anyway. It's pain that's motivated both us and T to start working with the EMDR dispite the triggers and  without knowing where it could take us.

Cheers.