March 09, 2015

Sean

He had an in the momentness that we needed and loved to be around but hated and resented as well. He grounded us just by being there and sometimes we needed to not be grounded, sometimes we had to stay as far away from rock hard realites but it always broke our heart when we remember what we had been when we had to be all delusional for awhile. There was rarely any sign of him being scared or angry at us afterwards. We he said 'It wasn't you' we knew it was true. We would wish he was someone else lots, he seemed like such an idiot sometimes but it was playing a role in the bullshit like we all had he was just better at and got less confused about what really meant something and what didn't. It was a strength and we knew they would spot it and go for it and we didnt want any role in helping them with that beyond they help they would get just from us seeing him.

He made us feel complete and like our future was in our own hands but that couldnt happen without us also seeing who we where and where we had been.  There were times when that had to be avoided we were so completely owned. Every aspect of our life completly exposed for them to exploit in any and every way. The shame of what they had us doing is believed by some to be enough to keep our head down forever with easy enough viciousness around to stamp on any sprout of regrowth.

Its worked pretty well, the lego Captain Jack and the application to the CICA, before that the housing application and wee man's first new year. Knowing we wont be able to  not reach out again and would be so compleltly vulnerable again to the punishment is never far, the mental hook that we couldnt escape for so long,  their route to conditioning us to believe it was our own fault, that we accepted it as something we couldnt stop, that deep down we wanted and need it. When your kept at the bottem of the heap like we are here the chances of domestic and/or oppurtunist abuse is pretty high, what does it matter who does it?

We are changing now, moving away from that mentality. All the confidence, the hope, the girlishness, the pride and everything feels so real now because he was able to hold so much of it for us.



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