March 13, 2015

For Firenze and all the people and parts of ourselves we can glimpse but cant hold.

 Head full of Firenze. And Sean. Physically we are pretty weak and mentally messy but thats ok, we have gapabentin and weed to help stop the 'shoulds' and those mean skinny parts that always push with all they have to direct us away from any path where we intgrate with any reality where we are not subordinated. It suprised us how well and for how long those part took hold they were so everything we knew we weren't that it we didnt believe any of us could ever be in a place where we would let there coldness be something we bowed to.  When we saw those faces, saw how there knees were weak as mine where, saw colour drain from faces and our hands reaching out before our eyes and battered down eyes even met.  I had nothing. We couldnt accept anything for anyone. There were words, brief and guesters that changed everything while we still knew nothing mostly exscept we knew we wanted to show them, we have nothing but we still come here. When the switching starting to slide into complete anxious dissociation we calmed ourselves by telling ourself there was something wrong with our brain that was making us see and feel all this stuff, fantasises about having a life that was far from everything we knew in Scotland. The calmer we got the less hold the amnesia had I didnt know how we ever came to be there but we knew the people, the relationships the feelings were real, they were infront of me and parts I thought had been broken and muted where active and functioning, there will, our will was strong as ever and still taking us to places without worrying us with any details beforehand. We are whatever the hell we are and at that moment we were not letting go of a history because it was inconvienent to abusers that we were more than the youngest daughter in a skint abusive family. In the eyes, the bodies and a few words much of the weight that covers anything that might bring us security and pride was ripped away and we had to keep walking. If it hadn't been for the buggy we would never of managed to stay of the ground. There were tears though, of course and a fair bit of having to verblise internal voices and kept checking for and expecting knife wounds or very loud crack in my ear that would be last thing we knew but they never happened.

Several times we almost let go of the buggy to run into someones arms but froze instead. But she was here, S/he whatever. She always knows what to do and she  wouldnt let us crumble and let us know that she was around. She is what we are, driven underground forced to work behind the scenes manipulating the rest of us, holding the love, the humanity and ambition and making all the difficult decisions.

Without her there is no 'us' just victim programmes, denial and delusions, no resistance, no love, no hate no personality.

Sean always seemed to see her. We would avoid him at times because we didnt want to see who we really were reflected in his eyes when we felt like something so different. It made us feels so ashamed sometimes the fact that he was so patient and understanding of whatever states we were in only made it worse. We hated having to face how much the pain we were put in hurt others to.

Remembering that now as an adult. The terror we felt at the strength of the feelings where he wasnt and the power of the drive to be near him when he was around and knowing he did not see us as a sexual object. And of course the knowing how poweful a weapon all that feeling was to people who wanted to hurt, control and squish us.

Physically its quite overwhelming to have so much of it part of our everyday consciousness.  Not just the rape that gets released. It was always a suprise the

Wee man was a star