March 13, 2015

Fluid rather than rigid system..(?)..

Gonna have to just regularly plan to not have the sonshine around after therapy. Its always been an issue, the exhaustion afterwards but now there is the extra travelling and the extra work.  Its always tricky trying to find words to describe what its is like in this DID system but at the moment our day to day consciousness is not what it was. This voice is painful difficult to use, forced of course because our usual voice does not speak for us, its under orders and often comes from a place of abject terror.

 We are even less anchored to a false and manipulated consciousness, passed a point of no return - ditch the road metaphor this a jungle. We have been playing Skyrim, still. Its helping parts that want nothing to do with conversations, human interaction and everyday life. Everyone is starved of so much normal world development stuff and human needs its impossible to recognise them all. We are headed towards somewhere we cant imagine and its difficult to rest when everything aches and nowhere is safe.

Its hard work for therapist to. She said she had studied sexual offenders for a long time but Savile shows how much is not discussed, not written about and its omission undermines the validity of everything else. We glad when she says things like that it means we are on the same page. Its slow difficult work for her to, she seems quite unfamiliar with the way we are not amnesiac of most the 'switching' that goes on in front her. We have said that usually we wont switch but slide, like there are three parts, one leaves another comes forward but there isnt a break in consciousness because one of the parts stays and on and on we work hard to keep everyone who is upfront as up to date with everything that goes on as possible.  Of course that's a huge simplification but we hate the breaks -there are parts whose job it is to keep continuity and they were the parts that were very important to the programmers which means that we are all scared of them. The top programmers would be very good at knowing if other parts were listening or present. It would often have in our 'home' beds so our unconsciousness, falling asleep and waking up processes everyday would be closely associated to them and their words, and that fear. It meant they were present through voices or thoughts during all the abuse that happened in the bedrooms to. These top types usually aimed to get people to places where they wouldnt have to come back because the middle managers would be able to handle any problems we might give them.

We gage how safe and healthy we are by how efficient but relaxed we are about it. If everything is really well and we find ourselves not thinking 'what's going on' regularly we know some shit is really up. We have walked away from turning up to be violently exploited because of that awareness. Sure they would often find me but the act of turning and walking another way made a brain pathway that makes it easier next time. There isnt any self awareness without self respect but a mind cant maintain that when its trapped in situations of long term abuse with no immediate means of escape.

Back dated severe disability came through. Everything to do with money is triggering, heartbreaking.. Being someone who does not 'have' anything, something that is not entitled to physical health or comfort never mind material was a kind of baseline state it was pushed hard the whole time its not unsurprisingly exhausting and cripplingly overwhelming at times and is a challenge every second of every day but we cant say it hasn't worked so far.

Feels like a proper swamp we are in at the moment. We have already been through here so we know there arnt any patches where we will be sucked under permanently. We think.. the only map is in our head shared between parts we may or may not be able to find.. or wake up or heal enough to communicate with even if we do find them..