..dear reader..

Thirtytwo in his class. We're not comfortable with that as a class size for a any kid but for our kid and the evil shit thats happened in primary schools in recent years and beyond it fucking terrifies us. He was talking this afternoon about getting into trouble for not listening, fidgeting and messing about that sort of stuff. Says he gets bored and his ears switch off. He was saying how unfair it is thats five days on two days off. We suggested he tried pretending to listen better and maybe taking a day of school next week to go somewhere. He wasnt all that enthusiastic said he wanted a party.. Talked about his pal in Dundee who hopefully is long gone from her sick mum so no way of him seeing her. Trying to remember anything from all the crap that went down various times we went back over to Grahams if there was anything said that can help us out with now and next but its easier to catch fish with bare hands. The constant awareness that our current mental and emotional ranges ...

Everytime we open the new post box parts slide, skulk, bolt, disappear down fox holes, behind walls I cant see the top off, atomise themselves away or casually wonder off while whistling through their teeth.  They don't want to open up and share here in the dark with no idea who is watching and who isnt. Littles know they are conditioned to 'write home' and have no inclination to keep pretending they don't know what that's all about. Usually the only people and places that felt like a real home were the last places and people we would be writing anything to. Killing them ourself would often be better option in terms of trauma and loss at least then they wouldn't be tortured, programmed, enslaved, bred, experimented on and used as against us. We wish we could manage our time better. Encourage parts to articulate their needs and working with each other. Organising a schedule that could be done day after was never going to work, way to triggering of what the abu...

We hope to celebrate September better in other years. It not over this year yet and we are eating and washing, cleaning, spending more time engaging junior and the xbox. The tearfulness at the thought of another day or night here isnt as bad. More of a sense of our history being here with us is probably the main reason.  The main 'must be real memories' and the narratives that they hold together haven't been forced on us for a while so we can feel again and the real narratives are beyond the high walls of what many people think is possible. If we had been passport applications in the local post office we would have one now. Printers, ink etc feels just beyond us still. Its frustrating but when we start examining the issues raised, triggers its a hell of a shit storm. The thought of an outside of the uk Christmas: the shiny swinging pendulum that is as soon as summer's over, brought smiles to parts that have been down for a while. They know we achieve nothing when so ...

Third full week of schools being back? Fourth? Long enough that the mornings have started hurting again. Still on 100% attendance so far and we know we need to push as hard as we can with getting him out there and ourself whenever possible. A short walk in the morning that cant be bad for our health except for the times when being around lots of people and kids is unbearable of course. There was so much impending doom at the thought of routine and crowds and expectations at the end of the holidays when the mornings were ok it was a needed relief. The thought of there really being nothing else going on for us than his schooling generously provided by the British stretching into infinity ahead of us is physically a difficult thing to tolerate. He's quite happy to go with his blanket amnesia about who he and his mum is and how hard the fight for us both to still be alive has been. It will all be there. Everything.  Glad that he is socialising and learning we just wish we were soci...

Attempting to communicate internally or externally just adds to the force keeping us scared and confused but the sense of a future elsewhere at times feels like its getting closer. The heartlessness over here is what makes it realer but so many are so heartbroken that things never changed that love in the present couldnt smash up all the hold the rings have over us. We try and knock down walls just to open our eyes and find we are building them higher. Its programming we know from the worst years put there to make sure we didnt get the help we needed to get us safe after Louise was gone so we could actually live instead of being triggered all the time cant really process any of it effectively when so many of the conditions that made all that torture, slavery and captivity possible are still ongoing. Any effort justs pulls us into thinking feeling repeating everything that is apart from what we are even feeling the possibility of a step away from the worst would take me further fro...

There it is .. The pink bathroom with all the butterflies and flowers and the metal wall art. Got it last week from Pound Stretchers or one of them type places. N took as there and refused to let us pay for our shopping. It's significance .. I'm not sure but think it might have some .. we remember sitting on the edge of the bed back in a Fintry with someone we don't particularly want to name showing them how programmed and determined our future was. We asked them to choose which they thought we would prefer, the one saying 'Home' or the one saying 'Love' an obvious choice for anyone who knows anything really about us and our history.. Whatever us ( if it was us at all) said that was it. She was done, no more programming. What the fuck that means now I don't fucking know. Do we believe that we are not going to find ourselves seeing and hearing things and not remembering when they were arranged? Highly unlikely but 'stranger things have happened' i...

Sent an email to ask about advocacy today. Not easy. Need help.  We may of made some kind of forced to attemp last year but we where so splintered & petrified. The "landlord" and his assistant turned up at the door again. Still telling me to tidy up when I can't etc ..  Boiler has been fixed though! Showers are now possible without standing shivering as the water loses temp then heats up again.  Place is a bit better today because N was done and did some work, built the TV unit and put up the curtain rail that have been in boxes for months.  It will never feel safe just us and wee man here with all these triggers but there are maybe signs that some of us are starting to feel a bit better.  At least the year is over. A long way from being able to spend that much time engaged in something other than trying not to drown but we have been spending  slightly less time under duvet.  Wee man will slowly get one parent back and that is something here and no...