September 06, 2015

Are we there yet?

There it is .. The pink bathroom with all the butterflies and flowers and the metal wall art.

Got it last week from Pound Stretchers or one of them type places. N took as there and refused to let us pay for our shopping.

It's significance .. I'm not sure but think it might have some .. we remember sitting on the edge of the bed back in a Fintry with someone we don't particularly want to name showing them how programmed and determined our future was. We asked them to choose which they thought we would prefer, the one saying 'Home' or the one saying 'Love' an obvious choice for anyone who knows anything really about us and our history..

Whatever us ( if it was us at all) said that was it. She was done, no more programming. What the fuck that means now I don't fucking know. Do we believe that we are not going to find ourselves seeing and hearing things and not remembering when they were arranged? Highly unlikely but 'stranger things have happened' is often our only source of reality based hope.. 

The end of a particular program maybe or the end of a program that has been controlling one of our programmer parts.. Maybe it's a trigger for someone else.. If it is a bad trigger for someone else and they see this post and some nasty shit happens we are very sorry it's not our fault nasty shit happens whether or not we have nice things..

Maybe it's meaningless. Just something to keep us in the past. 

Or the start of things getting worse again.

Maybe it's a good trigger and does signal the start of all this sick assed ridiculousness ending and getting out of the isolation and access to hugs from someone who can see us, who doesn't bullshit us, isn't an abusers' tool and who isn't a dependant..

Asked him today if he remembered anything bad happening in Fintry. He's completly blank on the worst of it. We try not to worry about what cunts have put in his head it's not like they had access to him whenever they tried like they do with some kids. The more we fought though, the more we talked and tried to get help, the more love we showed to any bairn the more determined they were to get him.

He's seems mostly ok. Happy boy. Needs exercise though which we can't really help him with much what with the difficulties in going places. Bloody huge not obese yet thou but the summer holidays were utterly miserable he ate a lot junk food and didn't go out much.. Would love to be able to take him swimming regularly. Would love him to see his mummy happy and active to.

Btw .. What with his big wide feat and all the first gym type shoes we could find to fit him are size 5. Size 5. The same as us. He is eight..