September 28, 2015

hate titles

Thirtytwo in his class. We're not comfortable with that as a class size for a any kid but for our kid and the evil shit thats happened in primary schools in recent years and beyond it fucking terrifies us. He was talking this afternoon about getting into trouble for not listening, fidgeting and messing about that sort of stuff. Says he gets bored and his ears switch off. He was saying how unfair it is thats five days on two days off. We suggested he tried pretending to listen better and maybe taking a day of school next week to go somewhere. He wasnt all that enthusiastic said he wanted a party.. Talked about his pal in Dundee who hopefully is long gone from her sick mum so no way of him seeing her.

Trying to remember anything from all the crap that went down various times we went back over to Grahams if there was anything said that can help us out with now and next but its easier to catch fish with bare hands. The constant awareness that our current mental and emotional ranges and abilities have been forced on us by people who are not ever going to reconsider their attitudes towards total exploitation ever makes us so angry, so disappointed and so frustrated.

It's different. Genuinely so even if far too much is the same. So much more has been exposed to more people. So many are dead. But Dad they use the times when we are isolated and damaged under the 'all of you exist for us and only us' systems to regroup, replace what they lost and to put the finial death nail in the remaining hopes for so many littles. We bargained with ourselves they everyone does with everyone else when a part wanted to maintain an external relationships while others wanted to cut out loses emotionally. We worked so hard when we were so small and did so well and needed to feel there was some home and some end no matter how impossible.

As the 'if worst comes to worst' trigger dates are passing, some years ago of course some more recent, some now, tomorrow, next week, next month. We can feel them. Eyes always peeking out windows, their ears primed for a call, their words so close to our lips but they are turning away, burying deep taking their openness, their easy open love and their broken fucking hearts with them. Leaves room for the ones that can get us permanently non uk residents. They are so good for junior when they are happy for all us and some of the rest of us feel the ongoing betrayal of those clever dedicated loyal littles is far too easily accepted as just the way things are what can you do.

All the shut doors may just be leading us to something better