September 12, 2015

"but none of it is real"

Attempting to communicate internally or externally just adds to the force keeping us scared and confused but the sense of a future elsewhere at times feels like its getting closer. The heartlessness over here is what makes it realer but so many are so heartbroken that things never changed that love in the present couldnt smash up all the hold the rings have over us.

We try and knock down walls just to open our eyes and find we are building them higher. Its programming we know from the worst years put there to make sure we didnt get the help we needed to get us safe after Louise was gone so we could actually live instead of being triggered all the time cant really process any of it effectively when so many of the conditions that made all that torture, slavery and captivity possible are still ongoing.

Any effort justs pulls us into thinking feeling repeating everything that is apart from what we are even feeling the possibility of a step away from the worst would take me further from everything meish further into a place where there would never be any safety. They wouldnt let any of us talk to each other or anyone outside. Whenever we tried they were all over it. We are programmed to believe that when we are in the UK that is the way it will always be and nothing has happened to undermine it. There is no escape from what they found out and what they forced us to do through torture. No escape from people building a life and their children's future on that torture continuing. No escape from this false identity and all the corruption that will force us to live it regardless of evidence that contradicts it and regardless of anyone else being in the room. Keeping our limbs twisted.


We need to be grounded if we are to have any chance of spotting any way back to strong. We need some basic truths or resistance is wasted effort, another part down another exit light turned of. It was a long time sometimes between these moments. All the truths, the physical damage and pain when we tried to feel our own flesh where to horrible to stay conscious of when so weak and so closely watched so regularly punished and so fully exploited. 

Interpreting the promises from ppl who spoke different accents who seemed to have treated us so differently as anything other than grooming or ignorance was impossible without the physical strength to try and the heart to believe without or without the memories to back it up our systems are non existent. They knew that. It's not hidden. We could not realise how much effort people make on every level to not see the freight train ahead and the tracks at their feat.  If they can't see or hear a fucking freight train then how the hell are the going to see us in any configuration? 

There would so often just not be to much distance between the places and people that where around us when we felt good and what we had in the present. Everytime we went through our processes to get to a point where we had a chance of defending ourself we knew they would be watching and studying it in comfort. 

So hard to describe they various forms of captivity and control. Lots of investors in various aspects for assorted nefarious motives. 

We don't have much of a time line.  It's impossible when it's been so long since we felt safe enough to really be present. Throwing ourself into missions was the only real escape and we would wipe any sense of them rather than risk them.

Unless soldiers & comrades starting giving me no option that is.


Now?

We smell and reach for the warmth from streets that are made so distant by the violence of our trafficked and trained for it UK lifes that the are more unreal than dreams.

We wouldn't leave us like this but we are here and that usually means we have been forced.

When we are forced to go back somewhere and don't know if we will get out again we have to just bury everything .

Maybe we will end up having to make a new part. Which is scary coz it will be a part made without Louise's love and in total isolation from anything real and positive. That wouldnt be a part. It would be a program. Triggered by things staying the same.

Someone of us have been day dreaming about going to Glasgow next weekend but there is no we are just turning up with or without wee man and just hoping we will be safe and feel ok. It hasnt worked out well for us in the past.

And all that was said and done 15 years ago? Its enough to get us through the next week.