The other day we wrote about feeling more parts of us around, of being very conscious and very strong, missing people, wanting to hear music but how that just makes us miss people more. Been getting more active combined with the sleep issues that meant we got tired enough for a good nights sleep then waking wanting to get stuff done. New hemp oil came today, we giggled just after taking it, pretty sure it does something for us. Tastes even more foul than the last stuff. Glad to have it though but its not enough to fix the sleep dread tonight though, doesn't make for better dreams when before sleeping all we feel and hear is 'hug'.
Listen to same Maron. Too much, feeling resensitivised to talk of family, growing up and careers and the normal stuff many people have. Biggest mistake was listening to and old episode where he's talking to someone about their experiences with music industry and the interviewee mentions hating the sausage factory work of writing for other artists. For a long time any talk of musicians and music industry would have us instantly really struggling so its a step forward that now its just aspects of it.
Stupid codeine. Only took one dose today at night. Sometimes its making us feel worse but not all the time. Doesn't help when we are tired but too anxious about sleep to sleep. It makes us feel more weepy and neglected. Don't know what will ever help with the dream dread. More good experiences? Feels outside our control. Exploitative sex has been a big theme recently, so desperately lonely in them we are grateful for whatever we can get even if it does leave us even more frustrated than before. When we wake up the hang over has us wishing for a return to the decades of broken toilets and disgusting filthy showers. Got us thinking about the nineties and just how uncomprehensivly awful much of our teens were. The BBC disgust getting specific again, raising its putrid features out of the rotten stinking pools of middle to high end trafficking and torture systems. You'll have those dreams and you will remember and how it feels and how no one helped you.
The Cornaveris as he calls it is starting to get to him. No D&D. A mum whose no good at structuring his day, one pal he can phone is better than none, says he was worried about his cousins not much we can say but 'me to hun'. For us who struggle to get outside anyway we like that it is much quieter when we do manage to hall our ass out the door but to have to que six feat apart before even getting into shops sometimes gets us to the place we normally get to as soon as we walk in somewhere. Of course the effort to appear normalish, remember and get what we need is almost always too much trying to remember the six feat thing and not forget were have junior with us and that's he's chatting is impossible and we got snapped at in the frozen food shop the other, 'What are doing woman?!?... but we are supposed to be six feat apart! IT'S THE RULES!'
Struck me as the sort who lives to snap 'the rules' at younger less economically and socially stable women. Not like it was intentional, we just needed to get the fuck out of there. Funnily market place extreme anxiety hasn't gotten better with social distancing rules. Maybe stick to places with wider aisles that are bigger and further away and less well known to us although that isn't so helpful as shops are always moving shit around anyway, turning a there, that bit down then over mentally planned out trip to ending up just standing there extremely uncomfortable and really struggling with where who we are, where we are, how are going to get out and who/what are we going to have to face in the process.
Yuck. Failed the process to get anything from the Personal Independence Payment people. Knew we would, everything went into the Universal Credit process we couldn't go through all again so soon after. Cash wise we are doing mostly all right with the rate of UC but the PIP might have entitled us to be on the vulnerable people lists that the supermarkets deliveries are prioritising. Had to return to Asda but at least we have a date when there will stuff delivered, impossible from Tesco for weeks and weeks.
Been mastering Gwent in the witcher, reading The Seal Woman's Gift. Might have to perform a finger tip search through Junior's room to locate the Kindle its taking too long for anything to be delivered. Glad we thought to order clothes to arrive in May sometime that will hopeful be xl enough for comfort and dignity over both of our curves. Also a bare root rose. Yes I know we have literally starved ourself to the point of social worker involvement through spending cash on outside areas in the past and we were months late at pruning the rose we already have and they bug ridden and general a pain but we are not planning on pissing about with two many annuals this year. Even if they were easily obtainable and need something permanent for the area and its pink and smells strong which the first one probably should of been anyway. There is a couple of survivors from last year straggly violas, the pinks of course, one small lavender.. All pretty messy at the moment but we have started feeding and watering stuff and have one session of dealing with the nettles out back. Using gloves that we already knew didn't work, got stung to fuck, then wore rubber ones, accidently ripped up one of the three surviving ploxes then gave in and felt like we were thrusting our hands into a bucket of tiny needles every time we washed our hands for the rest of the day.
Not doing the 'hopefully tomorrow' bullshit its setting ourself up for failure. Play it by ear.
Listen to same Maron. Too much, feeling resensitivised to talk of family, growing up and careers and the normal stuff many people have. Biggest mistake was listening to and old episode where he's talking to someone about their experiences with music industry and the interviewee mentions hating the sausage factory work of writing for other artists. For a long time any talk of musicians and music industry would have us instantly really struggling so its a step forward that now its just aspects of it.
Stupid codeine. Only took one dose today at night. Sometimes its making us feel worse but not all the time. Doesn't help when we are tired but too anxious about sleep to sleep. It makes us feel more weepy and neglected. Don't know what will ever help with the dream dread. More good experiences? Feels outside our control. Exploitative sex has been a big theme recently, so desperately lonely in them we are grateful for whatever we can get even if it does leave us even more frustrated than before. When we wake up the hang over has us wishing for a return to the decades of broken toilets and disgusting filthy showers. Got us thinking about the nineties and just how uncomprehensivly awful much of our teens were. The BBC disgust getting specific again, raising its putrid features out of the rotten stinking pools of middle to high end trafficking and torture systems. You'll have those dreams and you will remember and how it feels and how no one helped you.
The Cornaveris as he calls it is starting to get to him. No D&D. A mum whose no good at structuring his day, one pal he can phone is better than none, says he was worried about his cousins not much we can say but 'me to hun'. For us who struggle to get outside anyway we like that it is much quieter when we do manage to hall our ass out the door but to have to que six feat apart before even getting into shops sometimes gets us to the place we normally get to as soon as we walk in somewhere. Of course the effort to appear normalish, remember and get what we need is almost always too much trying to remember the six feat thing and not forget were have junior with us and that's he's chatting is impossible and we got snapped at in the frozen food shop the other, 'What are doing woman?!?... but we are supposed to be six feat apart! IT'S THE RULES!'
Struck me as the sort who lives to snap 'the rules' at younger less economically and socially stable women. Not like it was intentional, we just needed to get the fuck out of there. Funnily market place extreme anxiety hasn't gotten better with social distancing rules. Maybe stick to places with wider aisles that are bigger and further away and less well known to us although that isn't so helpful as shops are always moving shit around anyway, turning a there, that bit down then over mentally planned out trip to ending up just standing there extremely uncomfortable and really struggling with where who we are, where we are, how are going to get out and who/what are we going to have to face in the process.
Yuck. Failed the process to get anything from the Personal Independence Payment people. Knew we would, everything went into the Universal Credit process we couldn't go through all again so soon after. Cash wise we are doing mostly all right with the rate of UC but the PIP might have entitled us to be on the vulnerable people lists that the supermarkets deliveries are prioritising. Had to return to Asda but at least we have a date when there will stuff delivered, impossible from Tesco for weeks and weeks.
Been mastering Gwent in the witcher, reading The Seal Woman's Gift. Might have to perform a finger tip search through Junior's room to locate the Kindle its taking too long for anything to be delivered. Glad we thought to order clothes to arrive in May sometime that will hopeful be xl enough for comfort and dignity over both of our curves. Also a bare root rose. Yes I know we have literally starved ourself to the point of social worker involvement through spending cash on outside areas in the past and we were months late at pruning the rose we already have and they bug ridden and general a pain but we are not planning on pissing about with two many annuals this year. Even if they were easily obtainable and need something permanent for the area and its pink and smells strong which the first one probably should of been anyway. There is a couple of survivors from last year straggly violas, the pinks of course, one small lavender.. All pretty messy at the moment but we have started feeding and watering stuff and have one session of dealing with the nettles out back. Using gloves that we already knew didn't work, got stung to fuck, then wore rubber ones, accidently ripped up one of the three surviving ploxes then gave in and felt like we were thrusting our hands into a bucket of tiny needles every time we washed our hands for the rest of the day.
Not doing the 'hopefully tomorrow' bullshit its setting ourself up for failure. Play it by ear.
