May

 

 

Got all excited about it not being winter anymore and wasn't too bogged down issues with antidepressants, by pain or no money or coherent linear memories or self esteem in March and April so stuff got done plants were bought and cared for and it was fine to see everyone out the back again.

 The area that gets the sun most of the day that we first wanted to make something of but found it impossible of the stones and the lining under the turf is actual where we often sit now getting some sun or just watching the birds .

We put alpines, last year’s from seed pansies and lobelia plug plants we nursed indoors for a couple of weeks around the slabs and the bird pond. They are all coming in well. There was a Newcastle hospital appointment about junior's gait and before that a cleaning appointment that we did without valium and shouldn't of . We did have damage limitation in place the oven on low kitchen and bedroom clean enough, food and wine in the cupboards. Even made sure there was an easy and satisfying garden job to do if we felt so inclined but wasn't essential. The weather was supposed to really nice then absolutely bucket down and that's exactly what it did. 

With the conversing with the neighbours they only thing that's repeated on us a lots is when the sweet old lady down stairs and I were out the back and she said something about the garden being a full time job which is of course a thing people say about gardening to and as such we said it in response to a passerby who muttered something to us out the front that was so unpleasant we completely censored it from ourselves and heard none of it, knew it was unlikely to be garden related and so gave the full time job comment as a pithy response to what must of surely been seriously cuntery.  It does feel deeply censored though like if a totally different source repeated it we and still not be able to hear it or remember or repeat it. I'm glad we found the gnarly root lump though. 

found this guy again

 There is a couple of new foxgloves and delphiniums in that look happy and there is loads more potted up pug plants being cared for. Six crazy daisies to.. We also tidied up the stump and hung stuff from it put some slabs near the bottom to help with washing line access and so we can weed and water in out slippers.. Started lots of mini flowers we thought about potting them up when they are bigger and  giving them out to some neighbors, then maybe all the neighbors then none or maybe one? 

Bit too hypervigilant and uncertain of what comes next now to enjoy working, imagining and planning and it was a really sad moment we tidied up all the brutal lethal ugliness, pulled curtain over it and decorated it with plants and fairies. We will never be so focused on it again but the is still only going to get awesomer and will be glad to do the last bits of digging when we have every gathered everything we need to do it. It's May we will build our wood storage thing, dry out the wood an work on our flower bed, dig the 'Flower Power' buddleia in well. We want and need the goals and the activities especially now we are letting ourself feel the anxiety that comes with knowing just how fucked and fractious things does not make for healthy blood pressure especially if we don't walk, dig or stretch some of it off sometimes.

 

We've got to take a sec before we open a door that leads outside. Have to check ourselves make sure there is enough of us around to probably cover most things that are likely or unlikely. Every contact is a source of possible concern like junior saying hes worried about our stress levels and was talking to someone at school who was also concerned. And he hope's it okay that he talked about this but no he never mentioned that because he was never asked. We told him it's good he talks to someone and yeah we have been stressed. 

Any way, we hereby commit to publishing as best we can all the details of any shit that messes with out head even if we can't explain why especially when we have no one else to talk stuff through with for ever and ever. It is fajita Thursday the 19th of May 2022. And this next couple of pics we took today.