..dear reader..

Transvaginal.. I have given this some balanced consideration and am considering cancelling the appointment.  I have voluntary attended numerous examinations in this region in order to find out why I hurt all the fucking time.  I found exactly why on numerous occassions.  People where torturing me.  Down there and in there and sometimes down my throat.  Have you ever been raped with a transvaginal scanner when you were already in constant burning twisting agony?  At doesn't matter how many disassociated states you have some things are just so painful they get though to you in ways you never forgot.  'Life Defining' Your the NHS your supposed to take months to get round to stuff.. Fuck. Can I reschedule?  

While my neighbours are digging into Fifty Shades of Grey (its about deviant sex - my shrink told me) I am recently discovered the joy of back to back sex in the city episodes.  I always loved the frank discussions, the women and their relationships/careers etc pretty watchable but had to turn over during the dirty bits or risk blackouts and vomiting.  I've found so of it mildly and comfortably titillating.  Expect most of what Samantha gets up to of course, watching her in some positions makes me hurt but the thought that a woman might enjoy performing oral sex on a man no longer makes me want to firebomb everything everywhere.  The openness of their communication with each other, their lack of inhibitions and lack of guilt over inhibitions inspired a long hard think about a particular highly attractive ex.  'I finished' as Carrie and the girls say.  The last episode I watched tonight was the one where the ginger one's mum dies and Samantha loses h...

When we first spoke on the phone I thought her accent suggested she might be too posh but she's not.  The psychiatrist was cheery, down to earth and had read my notes.  Read my fucking notes!  That is rare thing.  Now all I need is a cheery, down to earth gynaecologist and it will be full clip.  G has been and gone.  We went for walk after therapy and had lunch overlooking the water, it sunny, it was warm and the food was worth the money. So Diagnosises then.  He drew a Venn diagram to try and sketch out where he wanted to go in regards to my psychiatric conditions.  I appreciated the way he worked and the fact that he does work.  'I will do a bit of research'.  From a psychiatrist, a fucking NHS psychiatrist!!  Bless 'im. Gotta mention Liverpool though.  And not mention 9/11. 'hang themselves in shame' - Classic. 

All quotes from Breaking Ritual Silence: An Anthology of Ritual Abuse Survivivors' Stories eds., Jeanne Marie Lorenze & Paula Levy (1998) 'When you are born to satanist parents, you drink paradox with your mother's milk.' (Jane Solay, p.132) 'And I will write it someday; I will tell. I will tell in words that people will not be able to look away from..' (g & c, p.7) 'By age fifteen, I had been raped thousands of times, witnessed scores of murders, and killed..' (Joy, p.25) 'Killing just seemed natural and matter-of-fact for us. (Morgana, p.61) 'They taught me that everything has life and everything is sacred, then they turned around and forced me to abuse an animal or use one of the elements in an abusive way.' (Two Bears Running, p.41) 'I was an interrogator and an assassin.' Morgana (p.62) p76/77 Dx

Can't put a price on feeling positive and inspired. Sooo. No one has contacted social services about my sister yet.  Well not as far as I know anyway.  After her last binge mum agreed again to give her one last chance, as long as she went to her sessions, took some drug that might help cravings and stayed sober.  Mother also offered to pay for Alkysis's to have private therapy.  This had me spitting a few feathers at the time.  Alkysis has never shown much interest in therapy whenever she has been offered it in the past.  Legend has it that she went to one AA meeting and turned up gutter and was asked to leave.  She made out she was still going for weeks taking my mums and money and hitting the pub, or the bus shelter toilet with a bottle of rum or whatever it is she does.   Whereas I have a sense of 'therapy' being one of my first conscious words along with 'no', 'lawyer' and 'sore'.  'Police' came a bit later.  She has n...

...mixed with water and some of the kids apple and blackcurrant in fact its delicious.  Can't be very fine if you down it neat in bathrooms though.  Anyway.  Tia has been on my mind a lot.  I'm sure I'm far from being the only one who finds themselves watching girls and cute boys trying to memorise what there wearing, the time and anyone they may talk to. On a much happier note.  There is pollen in my possession and in mother's to probably by now.  It's a massive trigger seeing my sister drunk with or without her kids.  Seeing my mum seriously stressed out and not copying is as well.  The kids are all fine though except for mine who has picked up the cold and is sprawled on the sofa with a hot water bottle and Ben 10. He's excepting calpol, he must be feeling really crappy.  Ate a good bit of macaroni pie with extra cheese, peas, sweetcorn, prawn crackers and fruit though.  I decided ...

'I'm an alcoholic.'  Her wobbly face seemed puffy but its hard to tell because the hell in her eyes makes it difficult to look closely.  'What do you want me to do?'  Her centre of non focus shifted from my direction to the vague direction of Mike the kids' father and then our dad.  Mike asked her if she had any money and if she did to give to dad or her adult son up in Aberdoom.  He's twenty, just left another broken family with two wee ones, he's usually fine but gets aggressive when drunk or angry sometimes.  He is also best friends the last person who assaulted me (just a slap and a push) and boasted about sexually abusing my son.   I wonder how far the aggression from my sister's son towards her drinking is a factor sometimes.  I remember a shared abuser, you see, between me and the nephew.  He was our downstairs neighbour when we first moved to town before my sister got p...