..dear reader..

A no vote.. What a pity.. Colonialism continues but by Christ the numbers joining the SNP & other yes parties! The will of so many to continue is bloody fantastic. Had a stinking cold fuck up all the stuff that we have to do, quite common when weve been decorating and it's September.  The loss of Alkysis meant the landlord signed the lease over to me and we have as close to our dream house as we could get without winning the lottery or being paid for work completed as we can get. A dream house which smelled pretty bad and is full of my sister's stuff and zilcho assistance. Mum says 'just chuck it'. Easy for her to say.. She's not doing to well with her COPD I hope she starts coming round to the idea that maybe the best place for them is here sometimes five minutes away, in a house with me, their cuz and the 3 bedrooms and the garden instead of 2 bedroom flat with her who doesn't have the breath to take them to school..  Either way it seems this place is ours...

I want to be there I just don't want be there alone and I can ditch the wake. Would like to be there through whole thing with a heap of support but hey.  We made a joke with our therapist once not long after we started seeing her and were still figuring out boundaries. I asked her if it was possible to rent her for funerals and weddings then wondered off briefly thinking about what a good therapeutic service/business opportunity that could be.  She seemed equally amused.  Next time we see her is the day after the funeral. It's been awhile. Need to see my mommy! Oh god I'm back in a place where Psychosis seems so obviously the current main abuser in the immediate family. We're remembering instances of seeing her talk to Laura in such horrific ways and at times and places I wasn't prepared for, causing nasty dissociations in us. When we were little and in recent years too.  In front of other people though it's always been me that's the point of her hate. With ...

The bridges are burned mum, they are nuked and the land on either side too there is nothing to build on.  I will not be there. I will not take part in the line of family members who put her in that box and shake hands with her friends and her son's friends who all have gave her a wee shove along the way. The support there for me will be you, maybe gran and an aunt or two I haven't seen since the last funeral anyway and me and my DID are gonna need more than that. If middle sis sees me getting any support anyway she is likely to make a bee line to piss all over it any way.  There will be far too many sexual abusers, bullies and enablers there I will not feel safe and will be terrified for wee man what with his abuser probs being there.  I will not be there because it's expected. People also expect children to not be fucked by family members and forced to drink and hurt each other. I know we have talked about this before but I think you are going to have to come to terms wi...

:-) xxx

Going to have to be careful not to launch into the mother of all feminist rants against and in the faces of the adult males in the family over the next while. Particularly around the funeral. Not that we know when that will be she hasn't had her autopsy yet.   The police are being as silent as you would expect considering the particular Scottish CID dept that are dealing with it or not really dealing with it they haven't said anything to the family much since the night. They were alright then though. A young lassie in uniform first then nightshirt plain clothes.  We were a bit lost, really struggling with all the details they ask for.  We thought the bloke was doing some obvious sussing out staring but it's not like we had any need to hide anything and was in too much shock to do so any way. He was a local lad by the accent probs not that far from our age and said it sounded medical, particularly after mum and the adult son came back and pretty much repeated everything I ...

So the behind the scenes, controller, knows everything parts.. You gave us a break yesterday didn't you? Thank you.   You know the script, Ukraine, Gaza, organised abuse inquiry led by ppl who have raped us. 3 of them, so far & 1 of them did some programming our DID against us. That would Mark Conrad. Who we have been emailing but won't be meeting up as has been suggested for obvious reasons, 2001, Glasgow & up at my Dads, after I had cleaned up and started sleeping in the room next door to wee mans, not sure exactly 2008/9.  Would of been worse but some blokes turned up and told him to leave.  Think it may of been him that we seen in town last year.. Dunno and no doubt we have more recall coming. Certain about the exploitation and the rape tho, sometimes with Moyles he wasn't into the really sick stuff, liked the vulnerable parts that thought if someone wasn't intentionally trying to cause as much pain and humilation when they raped me that it must be love.. Th...

"You are a major pain in the arse!" "Actually I'm just a lieutenant." Lots a uncle rape memories at the moment, it really was quite extensive.  Mum was in the house one time and screamed for her help she opened the bedroom door and angrily told me there was nothing she could do about it before shutting the door and leaving him to get on with it.  After slashing my arms and wrists he asked me why I'd done it. I said 'why do you think?' he asked if I hated him, I said 'course'.  I think he left the room after that or maybe we made that part up.  Another time, presumably a year or so after because the bed was on the other side of the room, arrived back in Scotland after being god knows where, must have gone awol or some shit because there was no blanket amnesia, I was jaded, fully aware of my potential for violence and how abusers worked.  I acted like the very vulnerable parts all broken, terrified, needy and small and just as expected him ...