July 15, 2011

Candel in rose quartz

It was a Christmas present from my mother from the year I lived in Glasgow. It's beautiful and means a lot even though I'm not exactly sure what it means. It was the year I sent her a letter saying I didn't want anything to do with or the rest of the family because of the abuse. She ignored it, which felt like an insult. Not enough people in my life to cope though. Didn't have the skills to get what I need from people. The only way I knew to see people was going to pubs then they shut down the local and yuppied it up I was lost. Not a bad thing either as it was a violence and theft infested dive but I hadn't gotten used to some of the people who hang around there. There's no way I was up for working (and suffering) in order to excepted into another dark corner of Glasgow. In the end I had to walk away from people who were probably did their best because I thought they might be accessorys to rape and theft where I was the victim. Who wants to be in a position where they find the only people the feel comfortable with are people who enagaged you in mortal combat, people that well.... well 'trigger warring'

bollox

Anyway.

I guess its the same with my family because I've seen their worst. There is not a fucking thing they can do that would give me a nasty suprise. I've seen it all, fought it and came to some arrangment that didn't involve anymore violence. But people I dont know, people who haven't abused me. Christ that would really hurt, Its always so much worse when its from some one I liked and with family/friends they give me constant pleasant suprises of showing warmth, generosity, love and honesty occasionaly to.

And of course I think all this is really, really fucked up..