July 04, 2011

The day started early and with vomit

Had better days, had worse.

That's one thing about being a ritual abuse survivor or an organised crime/intelligence services escapee, when you say 'it could be worse'; you mean it.

He did really well today, was a massive help to everyone but he was powered up and didn't stop talking all day. It's always a nightmare when he's like that and I'm off. Its the stuff he talks about feels like he's twisting an knife. So and so bought this, so and so worked at that. The worst talking is about people buying houses or his family in South Africa.

Now I'm sure South Africa is a natural wonder and not all the people there are thieves and rapists but if someone asked me to live/work in South Africa I would be tempted to garotte them. The shit that goes on over there just turns everyone to a complete tool, another cog in the wheel of cycles of racism, misogyny, inequality and violence. When he talks about how much the staff earn I want to jump out the car.

When he talks about people he knows and their big purchases I cant help wondering, how much of a percentage of that was directly or indirectly taken for me. Where did the money go from the regular rape scenes, or the occasional stuff. I used to mark notes when I could.

Sure its paranoia now but I would never of found out anything if I hadn't tried to quash fears put done to paranoia.