July 17, 2011

hey beautiful..

All excited about a bloke that I met on match.com is now a friend on facebook. From the contenent grew up in Scotland, utterly, utterly delicous. Far too good to be true must be an arse wipe really...

Philosophy is moving on but still not reading. Writers block is one thing but readers block is even worse. Thank I founf twitter or a really would be going mental. It's like everytime I pick up a book its just another symbol of what I have lost, what I could of been and what I was. There is still a big part of my delusional brain thinks that none of it happened. That one day I will wake up and just start getting on with all the things that are so hard, like making friends, stopping smoking, managing a job, being an a student. I never stopped being in my early teens, when I still believed I might be okay. When I still had hope that my brain was looked after enough to be okay. That all that pain, shock, drugs and shocks wasn't a match for my big brain. Before I learned how to really bond with anyone. I can't move on from it, I'm 11/12 forever.

Child alseep on top of the duvet with his wee jammied bum stuck up in the air, hes ace.

Police chief quits though. Story still isn't moving fast enough for me. All the News Of the World Stuff after the Arab Spring really makes me feel like everything is changing. That the systems that I couldn't fight and destroyed me are crumbling. I wonder if their will be a phonecall and believe it is possible. I could dance properly, or could if I tightened the old pelvic floor a bit and warmed up properly anyway. Which is all a much needed distraction from not having enough money and not being able to stretch what I do get properly. I think it might be strangly linked to why I wont read any fiction, I cant contrate enough to read a supermarket novel then maybe I'm not ready to work. The whole idea fills me with terror, the way I'd act around most people just makes them ostracise me for being to shy and awkward. The bosses will only like me until they realise I can't do the job and by that point I'm looing for places to cry and getting really ill..

Anyway, there is no NoTW, Murdoch's in trouble.... and I have a cute bloke as an fb friend, and a girl date in August.. so why so I still feel so bummed out most of the time? oh yea