I've been struggling with the raw writing on survivor blogs. I'm jealous of their articulation skills course and part of me wants to find a criticism to justify not reading more. But there is so much love and acceptance out there I am angry at myself, as always for never being able to look on the bright side. Although I have no right I can be a right snob, when things dont meet whatever ideas I have about what constitutes art. All that time with eyes searching for an exit, a weakness in the system that would lead to another hell closer to the surface. I cant just sit back and think about the good things I have sit all tensed up thinking about the bad.
But thats what rape can do, accepting the physical pleasure that sometimes happens along with the pain, disgust, terror, humiliation and sense of overwhelming injustice just feels impossible. I would make my self a million different people than do that. But it happens, especially if the rape is a regular thing and whoever is doing it is into the unequal sex side more than the torture. How can you have a body again after. I can't live with a the best parts of me assigned to different people either. In my early teens I read a bit of Descartes and thought I had it sussed. Its not ME its just my body, I am somewhere else and more importantly SOMETHING else. Until a guy in tech class suggested otherwise, I can't remember exactly what he said but I knew I was wrong. It wasn't some different material that was being treated like that, it was me and the only way to fight it I discovered was to take it very very personally.
Still dont think I am properly here though. I'm still well dissociated, I think. I blame it on the electric shocks, and other methods of brain interference but think a lot of it could still be shock. Shock so deep your brain makes you think you are on the other side of the room just to survive it. I want better diagnosis but cant get it if no one is prepared to back me up and say how bad the abuse was, how sophisacted and how regular it was.