January 27, 2012

I Could Do It...

write a whole book about me that is. Although not today because I'm tired and irritable. Been spending a lot of time walking that fine line between weeping and not weeping. I wish I could just cry, I'd feel better then, that relaxed, cleansed feeling I used to get after cutting. I'm not even tempted to do anything like that though, carrying and giving birth to the permanently hungry fairy prince sorted that out. Maybe I would of grown out of it anyway.

The new psychiatrist isn't a big believer in therapy. She said she's not sure dredging stuff up helps and she's right there is not point in dredging without the proper support to deal with it all. I still want to do it though, wish I lived in California like the women who wrote 'Wholeness' did. Could really use some of that looking deep inside to see the parts of myself and visualising to give them what they need. Memories keep pushing but they rarely break the surface. There's been sex memories today, but who with, when, where are how are still a total mystery.

I dreamed about the Glen again last night, I do a lot. So much so that I want to go back to see it for real to remind myself the landscape and buildings are real. Can't get there without a car though and I given up on that at the moment. I can't see how I can ever get the confidence to drive never mind the money. I just don't feel ready to go forward get, I don't know who I am, I don't know where I come from, if my family is real or how much they abused me. I don't like not knowing. I want to know what my weaknesses and strengths were. Who my friends are, who my enemies are. They all know my name, but I don't know theirs. Not without switching anyway and I don't do that unless survival requires it.

In the dream last night I left the family somewhere to walk back to the Glen. My dad supported the idea my sister ridiculed it. On the way there I met someone and we crashed a wedding party and took pound coins that were lying around. The town had sculptures and mosaics, a plaque said it was twined with Florence. Everywhere sold ice cream. It was too far so I got a ride on a cow, a rural man led us into beautiful countryside.

I know its not just the Glen I want to go back to. When I got the back dated disability, I went to Tuscany, visited Florence and then Palermo. I wasn't sure what I would achieve by going to Palermo. I knew I had been there before but going back didn't bring much to mind but my knees went weak when we stepped of the plane.

If I could go anywhere tomorrow it would be back to that Scottish Glen, to show myself that the dreams I have that it is a city now with very high rents aren't real. That the big house isn't as renovated as it often is in my dreams. I want to take the fairy prince as if to show all the parts of me that are still there that things do get better, they don't take away every child I have. There is no one I'm close enough to take us and even if the NHS gave me therapist its unlikely whoever it was would have the skills to be of much use.

There's no way I'm going to get a job as soon as he starts school. I don't know how we'll manage but I need the time to myself, to find therapies, to find myself without the compulsion to be someone else that happens whenever someone enters the room never mind in a work environment.