January 28, 2012

Where to now?

It got a bit weird for a while last night, for a little bit. I had been reading 'Wholeness', the abuser father of the narrator was an anesthesiologist who injected her and gave her pills before she was molested by friends of her dad. I started to feel a tingling all over which reminded me of the times I have been put under to have teeth removed and for the laparoscopy. It wasn't particularly intense and it felt unnerving rather than scary. Unlike the woman in the book I have mostly been conscious of the fact that the 'normal' family facade was just that. During my teens the 'me who had never been raped' was a pretty thin veil, not enough of a personality to even call an alter. I don't know how many times I swore to my self 'I will never, never forget this', I would often loose the details through the hypnotism or whatever happened afterwards but I rarely lost the feeling that awful things were happening and that I had to fight.

When I tried to sleep and old familiar state returned, one which I used to exist in pretty much permanently but haven't felt for a long time. My eyes can't stay open and I flicker - day time R.E.M. I could feel patterns and voices coming from different parts of my brain, different parts of my body. Low down in my belly there was movement, sometimes it beats in time with music. I got up to watch TV to see if that would calm things down, I was unsure about just going with it. Like it used to be I have an increasing sense of anxiety that only goes away when I start the flickering again. In the past the more I went with it the harder it become to resist and it looks pretty freaking, sitting at the dinner table, or the check out que REMing. It was how I used to organise my brain, my personalities and memories.

'Wholeness' also describes a lot of physical problems caused by repressed trauma and that got me thinking about my aching uterus. Unlike the author I don't have any current 'spirit guides' I have vague memories of sending them away because they had no idea of what they were dealing with and I didn't trust them. I have no perfect therapist to take me back, but I see an umbilical cord attached to a grey baby, I see myself wailing and holding her on my bed in my old bedroom. Sometimes I'm seeing black, like the baby is charred and when I touch her the black slides of to pink, white and red beneath. I have no 'whole place' to take these souls, having no where safe meant not having something to protect. Anything that was special to you was a target for them and they were experienced, relentless and well educated in all kinds of religion, spiritualism and healing.

I decided last night to ask G. to take me back to the Glen. I now she'd do it but she's the sort that is always helping people out in a crisis and I didn't want to add myself to list of people that need her. I was looking at pictures of it on the internet, advertising holiday cottages, and a hostel that I think was the school. A hostel, Haunt de la Garenne became a hostel to. I felt quite light headed looking at the pictures, the houses all done up now, the patches of brown on the hills on the way in or out that I was always trying to derive meaning from. I still think it should be done but I don't have the soon-as-possible feeling I had last night.

I do believe to only way to stop feeling so tired, run down and unable to cope and move on so much is to stop using all my energies to suppress memories but where I go from here I have no idea. In the past remembered things became forgotten again. Seeing my mum again always made it impossible to keep them as part of my consciousness. At the end of the day, my mum and the rest of the family were the only ones around to feed, dress and talk to me.