..dear reader..

We don't feel like we want to write much at the moment. Nothing has happened. The social worker hasn't been in touch which is a relief but I never know if I'm going to get a txt asking to pop in and we have to try and destink the place. I missed the appointment over at the hospital to talk about Pabs went to the thing at the school that evening instead. There was no way I could of done both. Have the CPN this week who seemed ok she is bringing leaflets to groups and stuff that might help if I really have nothing else. Also have appointment this week with one of the psyches from the hospital. Were we really mental enough to have been having sex with one or two doctors we already knew from the rings? With everything that was going on? I have no idea but I do remember back in Dundee when I had a much more functioning head than I do at the moment telling myself our time in hospital was going to be an extreme time and not to worry about trying to figure out what did and didn...

It's not gonna be for as long or so hard on us as it us been. Not matter how long this goes on for. Communications are developing internally and we won't be able to do that if they weren't developing externally because it wouldnt be safe enough. It's good to remember stuff like the mud between our toes and how snow wasn't as fun. How when we had been picked up in the states and then encapsulated by some alphabet agency within an agency. We were sorting out pictures that other uses had drawn.  We talked about some of this with Jacqui so we maybe wrote about it back then but I dont think we were writing much about anything back then there was too much going on and more immediate things to fight for. They were a good team, think we were about five but were very scared especially to begin with but they seemed to care and mean it when they said they weren't going to let us go back to something dangerous if they could help it.  They were psychologists and child tra...

We should be outside still soaking up the watery September sun but we weren't comfortable. We haven't been feeling very comfortable. Trying to figure out what happened in hospital is like when we were trying to make sense of whether or not Scuff is safe or horrifically dangerous. None of it changes the present or the immediate future anyway. The chores still need to be done and we still need to get him to school even though we dont feel its any more an appropriate or safe environment for him than we did back in June. Something can't be so wrong for me but right for him. We are eating/drinking a lot of chocolate still which we know will contribute to us feeling bloated and sluggish. Hoping we should start to wean ourself of that before we start just eating butter whilst mainlining coco power. The current stuff we have hasn't been helping much which has meant its lasted us longer. We were promised grass but it was from someone who was eyeing up our meagre painkillers ....

We miss you. We miss the way we felt about our own reflection when your around. That's a bit narcissistic isn't it? It's still there, on some days more than others but we are afraid we will run out of it. We miss telling you to not be ashamed or embarrassed and you telling us we are ok. We know we have talked about some kind of catastrophe. Something so huge that it sends ripples in a directions that are strong enough for even dumb traumatised human brain can pick up on. It was used by some of the managers, American mostly, really skilled above the sex slavery and local organised crime levels. We see it as something too big to ever see from a two eyed, two legged perspective. It seems white but that could just be a shroud or shield. When we try and take it down we cant make out what we are seeing. Lots colour and detail and movement that we are too dissociated to make any sense of. How can we ground this flesh and look without blindness or façades on everything. We do th...

No it isn't. How could it be? It's doing nothing while things remain undone. Thinking about how when have had the chance to feel ok its because the amnesiac phobic day to day parts have been able to become mindfull in the present parts who accept all the parts that are around and their pasts. The phobias can be so tricky. We must of been very badly hurt when they got a hold of one us and told us our life depended on us always being amnesiac and phobic of the extremes ourself and people around us were capable of. We think the phrase "central anxiety" may even of been used. It felt like an infection. It began before they began keeping us based here but the strong sense that we must forget or look away from anything extreme followed us back to the other places we were being kept. We were terrifyied of it and what could happen because we were looking away or forgeting things we did need to know, fiction is much easier to believe if you have no facts. We were worried ...

A lot of travelling to turn up some where and find out you were supposed to turn up half an hour earlier without the dude. Only half my fuck up. He spent the time we did have scratching his bites, messing around on his seat and refusing to talk about anything. How do we stop hating the fact that we can't give him everything he needs? We could probably meet more of his needs if we weren't so aware of what we can't do. It's been built of course and forced on us and knowing makes it feel even harder to address properly. When are we going to start feeling him easier to engage with now we are not barred from remembering baby Malcolm, Malcolm and Ben? Shouldnt it of happened by now? Bloody wet ware. Thank god no one speaks to us and those who do don't ask questions much. Couldn't give a vague but confident overview of events on the ward like we could our life.. Fuck sake..There wasn't just a "Good Doctor" readers.. there was a "Bad Doctor...

We knew the routine, out and about drive wouldnt last long after we got out of hospital and got Pabs home. Not when there still isnt any support. A social worker who refuses to hear why psychiatry does more harm than good is not support and a PTSD diagnosis without the C and the delusional disorder still standing is more insult to injury rather than a step in the right direction Dr Tilly. How are we supposed to not be further triggered by that? I don't even know if PTSD has been given as a formal diagnosis and wont want to ask whenever we do see a doc that reminds us of being an inpatient because we are not strong enough to accept there is nothing we can do about it any way.. He's still covered in flea bites and looks more like you everyday but I guess after everything you have been through it's really important you get some time to yourself.. But don't tell yourself we are ok cause we aren't. How the fuck could we be? We told you no child is safe up there Chris ...

At the moment we are in a place where even if our mood isn't at its absolute worst when we wake up we dread the pain we will feel after our morning pee and the worse pain after the morning poop. How are we supposed to get ourself out of permanent emotional flashback when that is going on? We ticked the box on the repeat prescription form for the piddly amount of diazepam we haven't asked for it since getting out of hospital but when we went to the chemist this morning the 10mg co-drydramol was there but no diazepam. Because painkillers that give you constipation are exactly what you need when your pain condition is made worse by pooping. There are softeners somewhere they do help. After so long in the hospital where completely under the 26/02/79 abuser controlled NHS files we can't bare the thought of going to see a GP never mind the CPN or the psyches. Was so relieved yesterday when we got the call to cancel wee mans appointment and the new one offered for same time as th...