September 17, 2016

scary, don't know, smile and just normal

It's not gonna be for as long or so hard on us as it us been. Not matter how long this goes on for. Communications are developing internally and we won't be able to do that if they weren't developing externally because it wouldnt be safe enough. It's good to remember stuff like the mud between our toes and how snow wasn't as fun. How when we had been picked up in the states and then encapsulated by some alphabet agency within an agency. We were sorting out pictures that other uses had drawn.

 We talked about some of this with Jacqui so we maybe wrote about it back then but I dont think we were writing much about anything back then there was too much going on and more immediate things to fight for. They were a good team, think we were about five but were very scared especially to begin with but they seemed to care and mean it when they said they weren't going to let us go back to something dangerous if they could help it.  They were psychologists and child trauma specialists on the teams who were really good and understood looks already about being different people and learned about us really quickly. They had us drawing lots in particularly at the start but it wasn't until later that there was anyone who could organise any of it. We did it without asking and they could see us either smile or freeze up when we looked whatever we had drawn.  It didnt take them long to figure out that some of the pictures they assumed where bad memories because of the soldiers or the backgrounds that looked like they might be military weren't they were very much in the smile pile.

We were both worried and relieved at how quickly they seemed to figure so much out and how much closer to ourself and safer in our own skin we felt by talking about the drawings and helping them figure stuff out.  Later we told someone away from a group setting who was asking about one we had drawn of large bars of something that if it was a picture of a time when we were a slave we didn't think we would of drawn our hands in the picture also. We knew we were literally painting ourself future problems but we did it all to be human or to be able to be human one day and we knew it couldnt be helped and to try not censor to much. We knew we couldnt keep ourself sane any more than we could do all the work we needed to do by ourself anyway so we would be pretty candid about it when we were little. We thought we had to the first time we were found by police with lots of it. We thought it would end there but we would be ok and maybe end up safer if we just told the truth we were a kid after all. It didn't end there. They are some of my most trusted people still.

Not that we every thought of it as something that parts could just chat about. Some felt guilty that we were keeping something from people we felt close to until someone helped us to understand it was okay to keep somethings to myself I think they were probably trying to explain our right to privacy to us and were possibly stretching it a bit far. We were taken from them of course but made it back and saw some of them again. It wasn't easier to explain as we older of course. People would think it was something we had recently got involved with through people we were all working to get me away from. The disappointment in their some of their eyes made us really regret not having tried to explain to them when we were still little. It did start in away from our RA contacts but we as far as we know it was our mother who got us started and said we had no choice if we wanted to survive and not to pay her back and not to worry about the law.

Maybe we believed this more than it was true at times. We saw how close the drugs and the abuse networks were and knew we had to do everything we could to change that or there would be no way of ever dealing with the abuse. But like everything else there has been times when have been prone to loosing it all and have to either get it all back or at least people know they werent working with me and could be in horrible danger. It was the bloodline that makes it all go away and puts us here also though. But again maybe not as much we think. There's always more also extreme at play. But she told me I must never forget I was her daughter and its hard when your not sure about anything and almost everyone is almost always lying but she would open up to me and her mind was very real, and very amazing but she was always very clear with her words, life was hard enough nd violent enough for accepted Royals but it was even worse for bastards and never to trust anyone except my own men who I must trust with almost anything and they must trust me with everything.

When the figured out the soldiers werent always the bad guys in the pictures they agreed it was best to not talk about stuff that could help them be identified we really started trusting them. They had a boss who wasn't so nice of course as usual. We started being able to judge how evil the boss was going to be by how helpful the agents were. The better the agents the worse the boss. There were exceptions though. It must of been pretty horrendous on adults to have regular contact with children going through what we going through.

She could destroy all our fears that we would be abandoned in a "normal life" in an instance but it wasnt usually through reminding me of nice things. Of course when I saw or heard from her for real it triggered the amazing training and education she got us into whenever she could and we remembered them all as people instead of another colourful element in the shit storm that seemed to permanently engulf me that I was only sometimes aware of. There's no way it could all be true but we could get our heads around parts of it if be ignored everything else which of course isn't something I can do for any real length of time.

Of course there were people demanding in from early on. That mostly went the same way but at times they were organised and did us horrific physical damage and got in about out notes etc. and caused other major problems for years and must still be as I'm not currently writing this pool side in my own estate somewhere less north sea more med.

Can't remember what was in the "just normal" pile it would probably be too much for us right now. We are saying hello and not feeling to phobic of parts though. While still trying not ask ourself how much longer this will go on for. Like a kid kicking the back of the drivers chair and asking if we are there yet when we might have a good bit still to travel.

Dumb human brain.. ...