September 04, 2016

Its all been said before.

We knew the routine, out and about drive wouldnt last long after we got out of hospital and got Pabs home. Not when there still isnt any support. A social worker who refuses to hear why psychiatry does more harm than good is not support and a PTSD diagnosis without the C and the delusional disorder still standing is more insult to injury rather than a step in the right direction Dr Tilly. How are we supposed to not be further triggered by that? I don't even know if PTSD has been given as a formal diagnosis and wont want to ask whenever we do see a doc that reminds us of being an inpatient because we are not strong enough to accept there is nothing we can do about it any way.. He's still covered in flea bites and looks more like you everyday but I guess after everything you have been through it's really important you get some time to yourself.. But don't tell yourself we are ok cause we aren't. How the fuck could we be?

We told you no child is safe up there Chris and now you work in child protection.. As always Fife healthcare and authorities you cover your own asses at the expensive of the vulnerable and keep people speechless..

Managed to get out for an hour though. In the park we saw a school pal of Pabs say hello and reach out and put a hand on his shoulder, Pablo flinched. Pain and isolation keeping us in emotional flashback state all we could do was focus on not bursting into tears.

All the stuff we do to keep ourself present like tensing and relaxing muscles doesnt help much when whenever we tense anything our uterus cramps along with it. It the same when we focus on our breathing. It feels like the deeper we breathe the more we are agitating the source of the pain. Ticked the box for diazepam on our repeat prescription form, the pain killers we get are not enough to stop the flashbacks spreading to the other side of our brain and giving us some visuals and sensory details. But they aren't flashbacks are they NHS? They are paranoid delusions and we are probably making up or exaggerating the pain anyway because we have a history of drug seeking and addictions don't we?

Tonight we go back to Fallout 3 through. Its good that can do that again. We do fear the way the pain comes back with vengeance whenever we are no longer distracted by it.  Maybe the mini pill is not a good idea we will give it a bit longer though before we give up on it. Don't feel like discussing any of this again with GPs at the moment because we don't any interactions that mean we go home and cry even more and feel even more helpless and invisible afterwards.

We are gonna try rest now. Then tidy up the kitchen, sort the washing, make the tea, clean up after tea, get Pabs in the shower and then to bed whilst trying not to seem to miserable, desperate and in pain.

Goddam supplier dude owes us money and hasn't supplied. Obviously not helpful. Hate how crappy normal day to day shit that happens to everyone gets piled on top of all the horrificness that doesnt happen to everyone and makes it all seem that much more impossible to deal with.

Is it true the crap with numbers and names disappearing from our phone is over? There is no way for us to know from here. Everyday is step forward even if there is no proof and it doesn't feel like it.

Anyway. Nap time. We have domestic chores to ache our way through so the house stays tidy enough for us to not be triggered by mess as well as everything else and for social work to decide we don't need their 'support' anymore.

Hope it rains. And rains hard for a very long time.