September 15, 2016

how can it be true?

We should be outside still soaking up the watery September sun but we weren't comfortable. We haven't been feeling very comfortable. Trying to figure out what happened in hospital is like when we were trying to make sense of whether or not Scuff is safe or horrifically dangerous. None of it changes the present or the immediate future anyway. The chores still need to be done and we still need to get him to school even though we dont feel its any more an appropriate or safe environment for him than we did back in June. Something can't be so wrong for me but right for him.

We are eating/drinking a lot of chocolate still which we know will contribute to us feeling bloated and sluggish. Hoping we should start to wean ourself of that before we start just eating butter whilst mainlining coco power. The current stuff we have hasn't been helping much which has meant its lasted us longer. We were promised grass but it was from someone who was eyeing up our meagre painkillers .. we will see I guess. Not buying more of this anyway and other guy is owe us money so he's out. Think we might need some really good stuff to pull us out of this and that like many other things might not be available to us at the moment. And that sucks.

We have been reading here and there. We have learned or rather relearned how chronic pain is not in the tissues its a pattern in the brain. A pattern they made us go over and over until the slightest thing triggers it.  They used brain mapping to quite successfully as well as part of anti humanitarian programs. Find out what someones brain looks like when they are overwhelmed, rinse and repeat. We learned we had to give up on everything and everyone to get through it. To think of no one and nothing, to stop holding or giving anything any value. Nothing is real. It's just another trick to torture us. Don't engage.

We have never really gotten out of that place. It's Skene, centered it seems on that bedroom in Skene but there were places before it and during like other normalish looking rooms in normalish looking houses but also in labs or in any place where you may find more than one or two masons so clubs of all  kinds, work places or industrial settings. They left us with our hate for most people but British people in particular who stood around in large numbers sometimes and did nothing and say nothing about all of it.  Afterwards we could switch back to a state that loved and hoped but it was a switch. It wasnt me. It was someone else who happened to live here. We did break down to one of the boys and tried to explain what they were doing and how well it was working we know he would of taken it very seriously and we don't know and can't remember what happened. Hate being so alienated from being me. Wish you were here and I can't do this alone. These low scared states are triggered by loneliness. I really can't fix them by myself.