September 12, 2016

Catastrophe for who?

We miss you. We miss the way we felt about our own reflection when your around. That's a bit narcissistic isn't it? It's still there, on some days more than others but we are afraid we will run out of it. We miss telling you to not be ashamed or embarrassed and you telling us we are ok.

We know we have talked about some kind of catastrophe. Something so huge that it sends ripples in a directions that are strong enough for even dumb traumatised human brain can pick up on. It was used by some of the managers, American mostly, really skilled above the sex slavery and local organised crime levels. We see it as something too big to ever see from a two eyed, two legged perspective. It seems white but that could just be a shroud or shield. When we try and take it down we cant make out what we are seeing. Lots colour and detail and movement that we are too dissociated to make any sense of. How can we ground this flesh and look without blindness or fa├žades on everything. We do though but its easy for her who feels and knows so much love. There is no believing or "trying out" fiction when we are properly wired to our own flesh. They refuse to fear the tech and we have had to or thought we had to keep them down at times because we didnt think they knew the threats and how hard they tried to keep them. This was always or almost always a mistake because they are the only ones who can fight that shit. They were only hope we had. The options were constant higher functioning or regular brain scrambling. Obviously going to end up fucked either way but what gave more chance of a future? The option more likely to keep us alive obviously. But as what?

 Whatever we do or don't do it was always going to profitable to some very evil people. There was no point of thinking about that when we were fighting for our life and our human uniqueness.  Once we got past that shit though we would deal with enough of it so it wasn't crushing our spirit twenty four seven. We always know that when we are planning on looking into something some of our serious parts all ready will be.

 We didn't talk to Niall again. We wanted to. A bit. But it is Niall so never been good on the talking. Not be able to even say "did you hear about Tommy" we are so unsure of ourself and this situation. We maybe remember talking to Pabs about it but since he's been backed he has only talked like he doesnt know and hospital memories are dubious anyway. We haven't corrected him. As we almost remember being clear on in the ward, we are not telling him everyone from the past life he thought he had is gone until we can show him a future. We don't feel quite as physically unable to discuss it as we have but still can't see it happening. Especially as we don't feel any more confident in his school or our ability to talk to them.

..The catastrophe is bigger than the death of one child.. all we know is something happens and then everything after is different. (Something somewhere slows done.)