You will always be in pain Quine. We are gonna make sure of that.

At the moment we are in a place where even if our mood isn't at its absolute worst when we wake up we dread the pain we will feel after our morning pee and the worse pain after the morning poop. How are we supposed to get ourself out of permanent emotional flashback when that is going on? We ticked the box on the repeat prescription form for the piddly amount of diazepam we haven't asked for it since getting out of hospital but when we went to the chemist this morning the 10mg co-drydramol was there but no diazepam. Because painkillers that give you constipation are exactly what you need when your pain condition is made worse by pooping. There are softeners somewhere they do help.

After so long in the hospital where completely under the 26/02/79 abuser controlled NHS files we can't bare the thought of going to see a GP never mind the CPN or the psyches. Was so relieved yesterday when we got the call to cancel wee mans appointment and the new one offered for same time as the psych. We are not relishing the thought of taking him back there even if at least one of his docs seems quite human.

There is so much anger. We are slowly letting us feel all the fear we have for Malcolm. The man who so many of littles are in love with or who parts have been programmed to make them feel in love with to mask the terror and trauma memories. At least we can't be pushed back to being in a state where we can't think or remembering anything about him without the rest of us being amnesiac of it. So many of the people who came to hurt or kill us left the hospital in bags and that makes us much less scared of his contacts. Plenty of the worst of course are still alive, particularly the ones who were given high profiles but we don't feel like  they are as unreachable as they have been.

We saw some of our good people in the hospital to. We know they will be coming back but we dont know when but we know they are working hard for us and themselves. Hope we are contacted by someone who is safe and loves us soon. In meantime we enjoy the house and the comforts and try not push away all the past away or let it flatten us completely.

Some of us just thought we was a caring worried doc, some of us were having sex with him, some of us were dreaming about marriage and she says "Are you not an anesthetist?" Because she remembered he was he the anesthetist when we were younger he was trained in using it to stop us fighting. It's so devastating for the littles who love him to accept what he has done, what he was doing, what they turned him into. So hard for them to even look at Pabs when they keep seeing Malcolm in him which of course makes us feel so guilty. We will do what we can to make sure that don't feel alone like they had in the past, as much as we can until help arrives or starts to phone us again and we don't need to do this alone anymore.

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