January 20, 2013

keep talking..

So polis the marra, nae bather though, dishes are done, there's notes writtin and I'll run the hover over the hall again later.  There wis a wee bit o fonin back an fore over the time and a hav ti say, shi soonds like shi mite be a wee bit ov a numpty.  I've been wrang aboot folk on tha fone bifore tho.

I've even had a go at Wonder Webbing the curtains that are dragging on the floor in the living room.  Did a good job on the first side, the other is a bit of a disaster, but its all off the ground.

I'm just glad she is coming in the morning straight after dropping of wee man.  Not enough time to get properly stressed about it.  Therapy afterwards, which is really good. I wont be able to curl up into a ball afterwards and mutter stuff or think about smashing a cup and then using a shard to slash my arm, or going to the pub.

Maybe it won't be like that at all, maybe she will come across as professional and non-judgmental, empathetic and respond to me as she finds me and not to information she was given before and isn't up for discussion.  Maybe I will have worked with her years ago on something off the books, maybe she was in another ring from me growing up and we met a few times during bigger meets and she'll look at me like I came in off her son's football boots and smeared myself all over her freshly cleaned cream carpet.

Need to get it across that I'm saying that I was abused by Savile for most if not all of my childhood.  He was a big figure in the ritual abuse I experienced in Scotland.  He also took me to many of the institutions he is publicly associated with where I saw him molest and abuse others and I have contacted those institutions.  Sometimes there was more violent and/or ritualistic group abuse in the lower parts of the buildings.  He also took me to his flats, trailers and although I was sometimes hidden especially if we were getting on buses, boats or planes, I would be taken through the front door sometimes to, during daylight hours and I was seen with him on many occasions by many people.  He introduced me to many of the well known and powerful people he is publicly associated with (gulp).  I wont be making any formal statements alone.  Should I mention recent flashbacks of long walks with him in quiet hospital corridors heading to the morgue.  That I think there was one before me and I watched them kill her? Of course, if we have time and she lets me.

I also want to mention that it hasn't been reassuring that the Yew Tree investigation into Savile as a sexual abuser made no effort to take a full statement from someone who claims to have been abused by him lots or provide any explanation of why they did not want to peruse talking to me further.

I don't mind anyone saying that I am only inventing stuff after reading stuff in the press.  So often I would sit down at the keyboard planning to just let it all flow out.  Names, dates, relationships, the big deals, the murders but nothing would come.  Or plan to do big internet Illumaniti, Satanism, Ritual Abuse, Masons searches and take whatever I found apart, piece by piece, this is sort of true, this is made up and this is why.  I'd feel sick and distraught just looking at Welcome pages and chapter headings and go no further.  I couldn't understand how it could fly around my head so much but refuse to turn into black and white words that other people could see.  All I found myself really wanting to say was 'it hurts'.  But when the names become public things change especially when they are dead and public.  It's all been quite liberating at times.

I've remembered enough to feel absolutely certain I talked about Savile being a constant abusive presence in my life, particularly during childhood to police and/or social workers/Women's Aid workers who said they were in contact with the police in 2004 and 2009.  And fuck knows how many times before.