..dear reader..

Fairly Scottish June weather wise, the wind toppled the smallest buddleia but i think we may have rescued it, more rain in a few days that the whole of May but in terms of state organised torture, brain damaging, and murder of infants, gang rape, breeding, genocide and attempts to murder, sexually torture, impregnant, hack or zap chunks of my brain or other essential organs out its been a good one so far. Picked the crappy diazepam up yesterday. Wish we could get more it fairly gives me and appetite. Lots or rolls with already cheese, salad, ham and crisps yesterday and one this now to. Finished off the pills this morning. The crumbly we been getting is really week and Tuesday's half oz was polished off last night in front off the fire with our second bottle of wine for the day. There is at least some of that left. Can't get our attitude anywhere near responsibility with the income. How the fuck can we? It's bullshit, injury and insult all in one. The ridiculous effort...

Huge bud has finally opened. Smells kinda subtle but lovely.  Its raining now and we are so glad. We need to not keep over doing it. Its hard balance though between the exhaustion onntop of depletion of existing here and doing enough to stay comfortable, clean and happy as possible. We think we are a little better at pacing ourself. Glad something else is taking care of giving it all a good watering. Supposed to be rain then sun tomorrow. Perfect for balancing rest and improving shit. Its just not fucking fair that I am my thirties or there about and am ruined after a bit of gardening and cleaning a window. Slavery, running from and war against slavery don't exactly given you a childhood where you are allowed or are able to rest. Love you Daddy. Beautiful isn't it? So glad we don't have to say everything that would bhurt us because you know. Its not like we hate because we are told to. We just have it in our head so much now that wherever we go we will get flashbacks...

Ah the peace of a no money Monday evening with something in our tummies, smokes, milk and tea. Prick in shop wouldn't take an old £1 that would of got us bread and milk, we rummaged around mostly in dudes room its quite disgusting in there at the bottom of toy boxes and under the bed but the required 52p was gathered. Thank goodness. Dude fell asleep and school and we told them when they phoned about having messed up the funds and him missing breakfast and she phoned the food bank for us and said we could go down there as we haven't used them before. Its a nightmare to get to though so couldnt happen today. He got his lunch at school and we had macaroni for tea so we are good. There is a little left over and he won't be happy at the portion size but it won't harm him. We were sitting on the bench searching for super fleas on princess and we heard two blokes greet each other in passing comment on the weather, exchange pleasantries then go their way and one of them mad...

Not a bad day all in all despite our current position in the feast or famine cycle, nightmares with the air play, the arm pit thing on our bottom and the lad's attitude and tone.

Very proudly presenting the results of the annualish windae cleaning... Crazy to think how its gonna look in July. Its utterly stunning and we got enough momentum to keep it healthy. Next door have family helping and think loads of work had been done which is cool less snails etc nothing done about the only part of next door that constsntly bothers us though. The atrocity that is their shed roof. Messin about trying to take pics in the dark last night. Its more than we usually show and we haven't asked him but for the love of it..  Really hope it rains so we don't have to stick to our promise that he has to water the garden. Already got him to take the paper and cardboard out first time we got him to do that when he did it right and closed the lid. Progress.  Gonna do some mini gaming now. 

Our brain is not going to find that easy. Big chunks of it think its just not possible. A small chunk thinks that if we can't we will never be able to because it exists now, its existed in the past even if it all was irradiated over night it would still be impossible for us to take it easy because it will still exist in our mind. A reasonable sized chunk thinks that is Fascist shit. The kind of Fascist shit that turns up in our dreams in all the endless toilets that don't work and lacking in basic privacy. We know we need that shit out of our brain but that's the point where and how do we do that. By taking it easy. ... Its true though. We have done what we needed to do except for getting out of here. We are not going to be able to do that until we have fixed our head more and that will happen all by itself as long as we are in a position to not go through extreme stress or constant anxiety. We have to remind ourself constantly. Slow down. It seems pointless some sh...

Didn't get much done today but wasn't expecting to. When managed well to not overdo it with the weed because we were still headachy but when we saw the lad of to school we were really happy to find our head painless and just wanted to smoke and smoke and smoke. There wasn't much left anyway. Hope we make some effort to drink more water at least during the day its a damn hassle that drinking lots of water makes for even more peeing and not being able to sleep because we keep having to get up to pee every ten minutes rather than our usual twenty. Increasingly want and need to sort out the kitchen a bit but it wasn't happening today probably even if we hadn't ran out. Might of washed more dishes and that would of made for a less of a job tomorrow. Its depressingly filthy down there nor helped by missing bin day last week and the child that never bloody listens taking out the wrong colour bin this week. Its summer honey the bins have to go out. How many times did I t...