..dear reader..

Active enough on Friday and Saturday for our legs to be all shaky today. Its been good though, hair cut, had soup in a really cute place that we Pablo liked to, drooling at some of the old town houses, paddling in the freezing cold sea (cold enough to resolve the issue of not having peed in twenty minutes, we'll be going deeper then to mask our shame, at least the water is temporarily warmer), Pablo said something about being the one who didn't want to go to the beach but was now having the most fun, feeling like we are on holiday then coming home to our own beds, no plummeting agonising post been somewhere else come down.  We are here. Well some of us anyway and the rest of are of course technically here because I am where they live and what they are but its not like we could will understanding other languages or know who to phone and what to threaten them with to sort out our electricity bill, our isolation, our health care.. Plants had no chance of getting fed today but...

Actual warmth, pure blue skies. Wondrous. We were indeed able to go for a walk in the actual morning. Forgot how exhausting walking in sand is. So glad though. No sea shots though as we had to leave the phone on the charge. Very proud of our little field of dwarf stock. first rose flower The birds keep standing on her head and knocking her over. Will take one or both her sisters out, got used to being indoors with me though. Livingstone daisies are out! The ones that survived the slugs and snails anyway.

Can't keep waiting to not be in pain anymore to do stuff. Going to have to make a little more effort without overdoing it espically after big stretches of doing very little. Did well today. Out and about on the hunt for a hairdresser because none seem to answer their phones or are open when we try and phone, got an appointment, also put self and son down on a waiting list for nearby dentists. Wouldn't need to wait if we went a bit further but its the dentist its unpleasant, triggering, painful don't need to be adding long walks or public transport onto that list of horridness. Wondered round antique shop, we do love antique shops, there is a lot of cool little places we wish we got round to using more close by and hopefully we will start to. The CPN was encouraging us to join one of the many groups that go on but don't feel there yet, will try and meet a commitment to ourself  first to go for a wander most days first. Its not just for the pain levels we want to get s...

Kept ourself awake all night by trying to sort out our Microsoft accounts after being told we needed permission from an adult before we could spend less than two pound in a game. Made things worse then remembered right password for right log in and its cool now. Except for the multiple versions of our name on the log in screen.  Concentration bad but not so bad that any attempt at resolving issues IT or otherwise leads to instantly feeling overwhelmed, panicy and stuck in a agonising dissociated state. We know which one is the adult so can ignore the rest for now. Might put in a picture so we know for sure which is the right one and can maybe tidy up the rest..  There was too much 'Julia' and we do seemed to have fixed that. It gets annoying not being certain about your name the only thing we are confident about is that our 'legal name' isn't it. Did some tiding and cleaning. Tomorrow we hope to hoover. At least then we can be in pain somewhere clean and tidy ins...

Another non starter of a weekend. Did finish reading smoke and bone though and waded through some more Netflix series. Zone Blanche ended with me gagging for more. Creepy and charming is not often well achieved but this was. Thought her finding the Roman sword so easily was a bit dubious but forgivable. Cant hate themes around environmental protection even with the celtic ritual sacrifice. Once that was devoured we gave a BBC thing a go and got through the first series of Unforgotten unharmed but a bit irritated but had to ditch the second because of children being trafficked to parties with rich people to be abused. Glad to see were strong enough to give something with that black and white BBC rectangle a go without being made much iller. We turned off shaking our head and with a sigh rather than the previous revulsion, fury and terror that made it physically and emotionally unbearable so we would be too dissociated to turn off the BBC continuing to recycle its victims experiences ...

An actual keyboard, being able to see sentences whole paragraphs even at a time. How wonderful. Beautiful evening but pain levels at fuck this I hate you all and wish you were dead levels most of the day has us pretty reluctant to attempt walking. Getting annoyed at how much we need to tidy our room but cant/wont. Wont take long, maybe get a bit done tonight and the rest tomorrow. Maybe. Eon wont let us change supplier probably because we have so much debt with them. Didn't put ourself through menus, bots, queuing, on hold, very unhelpful human, followed by jumping out of our skin when the automated txt asks us how we would rate them. Slow clap Eon for making the lives of anxious and ill people even harder which of course makes it harder for anxious and ill people to pay you. So glad to have a touch screen and a keyboard and enough memory to have more than one object finding game installed. So far anyway. Stupid windows 10. Watered the rose today after the need for backy f...

Doing okay with taking the antidepressant and the pill but using the inhaler has gone to shit. Not clever especially when been varying nicotine sources. Weather looks great for tomorrow which is a relief as bucketing rain and a new psych to endure would be too much. At least its not too far. .. Wasnt too nervous the night before to sleepy and had a fair bit wine but this morning. Ug. Not full on, “I cant do this bad” more like “I really really dont want to.” Glad really that the actual doctor wasnt there so spent an hour with the CPN giving a detailed as possible, leaving out remembering another mother, trying not to automatically churn out easier than truth bullshit, oh god but if I’m totally wrong about absolutely everything history. She was good. Professional. Non judgmental and compassionate. A bit shocked about the involvement of so many authorities and positions of trust with children but wasnt scoffing or saying it was impossible. Like other CPNs she wasn’t too keen on peo...