..dear reader..

oh no but what about all those mass events we had planned..  Do feel for people with social lives and those in the caring professions and parents with kids of school age in general. Its going to be tough losing the only time we get when Junior is being cared for and educated by other people. Not like we going into this after a weeks or even days of feeling not too bad as we have been able to recognise March is a bit of a monster for us mood wise usually we are so focused on February and don't remember it's actually March that has us drowning in nightmares, savage depression, migraines and of course catching every virus Pablo takes home form school and from the occasional sniffing shop assistant. The one before this one was particularly nasty it was before other countries outside of China were testing but we vomited when it was kicking and ended up having to stop when we did get out self to go to shop or do house work because of breathing problems. It shifted with the steroid...

Currently working on our PIP appeal and Netflix of course. No surprise about the PIP, knew we didn't put enough information in it. It came just after filling the same fucking form for UC and couldn't go through it all again also when a woman turned up for the face to face we knew we would downplay and make out things are not that bad as people tend to do, especially people who have be ''trained'' to. Plan is to send in our scrappy request for mandatory consideration saying we will write more if andy when we get a printer because handwriting is fucking painful, holding the pen too tightly because of the stress and anxiety of it doesn't help. Think its likely there will not be much posts now, since the last one. Quite a few have been started but words wouldn't flow, there is a strong sense in a various aspects of us that one of the main reasons for this whole blog was to get us to a place where we could integrate the memories described in the November p...

Its been easy to not look directly at it. Plenty things on the calander to distract and hide it all behind. There has been attemps to reach up to the front of house to try draw attention to it. Whatever it was that would veto that wasnt something not many of us could consider challenging and whatever it was is gone now. There is no definite need to keep it at arms length anymore. It's the kind of thing we had to be confident was so buried that no amount of gloating or more active attempts to trigger the memories and feelings would fly over our head so we could stand firm and just look them in the eye and let them all see whatever they were attempting was not having the desired effected. The opposite even because so many of us know what they are doing and know what we are doing to defend from it and are very certain there is no way any of them can get round it. It gets quite therapeutic watching them getting more and more desperate sometimes. But then we went back to how it was. ...

It's whatnowism but it's also our over developed cynicism. We know the fact that we are here and not there and no one is calling, or coming round or shouting shit acting out detailed but ignorant plans to keep us feeling shitty and that this isn't something that anyone on at any level would of wanted. We know the brain of an adult is not going to be able switch to pumping out confidence and motivation chemicals, fully able to acklowdge, develop and exploit its own potentials after a week of not seeing people and places that had essential roles in the most unsurvivable events We have been through. It's not a developing brain, it's all grown up biologicaly anyway. That feels like a lot to mourn. We did write before the move that we were worried about how much it would take for us to do it all alone but over the last year it isn't something that has gotten us down there just been so much relief, it's back now though. Wasn't particularly aware of its retu...

There is moments when We are really unsure of what to do with ourself. There is an old fear of the consequences if we are not doing precisely what we were told to do and if we found that we had ran out of instructions it would mean some really awful attack would be about to start. There is also the will formed with whatever we could find left in ourself that if and when it was possible for us to be comfortable and do absolutely nothing alone then that is what we would do for ever if possible.  There's the dreamers to, they wanted to do things usually creative and also alone but there is still the small voice from a very small girl that believes in people and believes time spent with them being honest but hopeful and caring will make lots of things much better. There's lots of others to heartbroken trying to find away to bring us together whilst not having figured out a way to articulate their own needs but there is a cautious relaxedness and relief that often feels like it i...

It's gone. It's taken some of the poison from the worst times from before and after moving to Dundee. The details are high up on a shelf in a locked box and we have no motivation to try and find the key. The extremes of we were put through feel in the past now and not stuff that we are still going through. Thought we might be a bit more motivated to re organise and find places for all the stuff taken from the dresser. Weirdly though we don't feel inspired to go through all the existing drawers to make space. We wrapped a couple of presents instead and covered them with a sheet, that will do for now until we have finished sorting out the cupboard. May have to buy more storage boxes but don't to buy anything that isn't definite basic essesntials or xmas presents for Pablo or Us. We had to make promises serious promises to get ourself here last year. We said we wouldn't attempt to sort out the benefits straight away if they didn't use the ESA form and they d...

I think we had came on it when scouting through the miles of remnants of what was once someones living room and I asked one of the boys what it was and what it was We stared at it for a long time or what counted for a long moment at that time and place. It felt like it had been awhile since there had been any day and night, . The boys roamed and kicked through the debris looking for food ammo or something useful without any enthusiasm none of wanted to be there and it made the exhaustion worse. We just stared at this thing. Can't even remember specifically what it is now but it was something not unlike the shit we surrounded ourself with and shelped dragged hawled across Scotland through poverty flits. Shabby Chic, tea light holder, hearts and butterflies made of metal or wood. Floral things from decades ago that look like they could be easily picked out through charity shops. Couldn't believe how many large boxes of it there was when flitting last year. The image of i...