..dear reader..

 Any corner we found for peace, comfort over the decades they had you to destroy it for them. Any happy little, any doesn't give a fuck teen and you and yours were on the phone or at the door. All the fucking calls from your nearest and dearest. All fucking horrible. Calls to tell you your daughter's being abused and getting shit from you because of it become abusive calls from your daughter. Your wife under the impression she will get money from Mom you know because she needs it for basics like healthcare and education.. It's not what Mom wanted especially after she got the full brief on everything that had and was happening to us because of you so you probably have a shot at getting something. The conditions your first albums where produced in. Decade upon decade of horrific fucking crimes that We can't hold you responsible for because your clearly gone. It was still the 80s when the RAF started boasting about having my brother. Like We hadn't noticed. Like we did...

 If I remembered both it triggered all the work they forced us today for mum and bro and how amnesiac they both were of it. All set up the way to destroy any hope or love left in us. Were times in Dundee especially when the worst had been fought back or silenced for while and bairn and I were alright in the flat but could hear and feel everything and everyone around them and we felt infinitely freer and generally better off than both of them. That guy next to you that encourages you to forget or not worry about me well he's got my number on speed dial and he's not trying to help. It helped to remember that when attempting to address the abuser controlled DID you were both rocking whilst not making my own worse. And I thought We were nuts. Got to enforce some basics over your living and sleeping space.  We both got our final hugs didn't We? How generous of them. I handed over new tech and intel that the Brits have been hoarding, stealing and murdering over my whole life to a...

 Benefit day tomorrow. No idea if it would be best to spend on Junior's xmas or mostly on booze and goodies to keep our spirits up now. If we spend it all getting to December it's going to be particularly misrable if we go through the entire season without contact. Started growing way too late as well. Not sure if there will be much overlap between decorations being up and plant matter. Kind of gutted if we think about that. It will be easier probably to have a sense of Mum there just won't be any live interaction. Won't be pretending it's not her I'm missing but there has always been some more memories and movements of parts around Winterfest even if there isn't any drink or drugs to help facilitate it's always a little intimating as it gets closer. Partly why we go so nuts. Oh yeah we are going to remember everything we are and been and how totally powerless we are to give ourself safe and comfortable living conditions. What fun. Don't want to make...

 The only 'The Towers' we wanted, needed and have been involved in plans to harm and/or destroy. If it did exist but no longer became so how would we manage this without formal confirmation? Well We are going to know aren't we? At least partly. The very real deaths from above would theoretically protected it. In would maybe be in our mind as the reason locals always know so much so quickly and were kept ready to do any horrific shit any time. So maybe that would mean the main thing that keeps life so awful for us in the UK is no longer a thing. Yeah We would probably be too anxious and triggered and programmed to want to write about it or have any real confidence in any of it. Yeah it will be after our Mom has died and We wont have to keep ourself nuts to stop ourself remembering who she is and what's happening to her. And yeah we will have remembered We have a Home. And land. And drilling rights. No not any teeny tiny bit of Us thinks my mum decided she was going to le...

 Even if there was no option but to bullshit each other talking to her could stop the world from spinning. I got grounded. Afterwards we couldn't believe the calls that used to make us doubt ourself were all now ridiculous. Whatever had or happened whoever they clearly in no place to be able to help themselves never mind us or anyone else. The longer the calls lasted the more of our past We got. So this is how they keep Us answering the fucking phone it's the only way We get any connection with ourself. Through more fucking abuse, manipulation and exploitation. Once that calls over We know they are not going to wake Us up for our own good. Whose this now at the door? As the vivid words, times places of what We are supposed to feel and our own and our mothers efforts to mitigate it's all clearly in our mind instead dragging us down from beyond the sliver of anxious PTSD crippled consciousness. All just lit up. It must have been a while since either of Us had been able to che...

  We went out in the a.m. for backing, Got reminded pretty quickly it was the Sunday nearest 11/11. We didn't retreat, not much walking recently. Any effort was going to be a big deal. It's only when We are really up against it that We resent the sight of fake red poppies anyway. Rows of medals though dude was probably not that much older than us. We couldn't completely act like nothing matters. Too many fucking ghosts. Cooked the roast in bag chicken, par boiled then roasted the baby pots, pastry flowers and found a few carrots that were not totally bendy. Gravy. Of course. There was discussions. As soon as We move from 'where for art thou husband' back to Wolf Queen, that is when they might let him go. Do We shut shut that shit the fuck down and only share details when very essential or let it go, up to including securing the school run for the pilot's ex's ex kids and every bodies lunches on the actual day? Can We ever really turn our back on someone that...

Alienated and isolated triggers scripts so of course all the stuff about buying a third xmas T brings up the 80s. The first clear association is on the lawn in front of Balnaboth, summer time, some nasty zombie male threatening the life of the third intended recipient. Me feeling that this is all ridiculous. Other voices at other times also long ago saying good things are dependent on the buying of the T. Me just hating all this crap. All this forced to not feel, think or remember myself crap. There was some jealousy but mostly it was overwhelming relief to know Pete was home. Not in the house don't think any one can get in there without me. But in one of the flats. Couldn't say much over the phone of course. Don't know how many people are there now. All we care about is when the +2 of myself and junior is added and the shutters can stay up for a while.  Ran out of plant rations for the day how annoying for us but good for the plant. Grilled some lamb and stuck it in a pitt...