Even if there was no option but to bullshit each other talking to her could stop the world from spinning. I got grounded. Afterwards we couldn't believe the calls that used to make us doubt ourself were all now ridiculous. Whatever had or happened whoever they clearly in no place to be able to help themselves never mind us or anyone else. The longer the calls lasted the more of our past We got. So this is how they keep Us answering the fucking phone it's the only way We get any connection with ourself. Through more fucking abuse, manipulation and exploitation. Once that calls over We know they are not going to wake Us up for our own good. Whose this now at the door? As the vivid words, times places of what We are supposed to feel and our own and our mothers efforts to mitigate it's all clearly in our mind instead dragging us down from beyond the sliver of anxious PTSD crippled consciousness. All just lit up.
It must have been a while since either of Us had been able to check on help out each other's dissociated states. There was a lot of heart break as We saw the parts of each other that had been hurt so bad, damaged beyond repair. Then relief after a while and found each other's and could show each other our cores more or less intact. We guess it would of been sometime after Italia 08 that they really shut us down again. That was mostly over the phone from my flat in Dundee to her in whatever palace corner or suite that we could find that was safe enough from the endless hoards of royal and royal staff slavers. She might of stayed with us for a while but things were the kind of extreme you never know, true enough for us all. Junior skipping back from school asking if the old lady was still staying with us, '..I like that old lady..' Me to hun.
Things were crazy enough in Fife the made space for us to have a laugh sometimes with each other along with all the sharing and working together on war plans. That Christmas We went nuts on the xmas deco was partly for her. I did the kitchen up, had help with the food and did our best to put pillows on the brutal cheap chairs in an attempt to make them more comfortable to sit on for hours. Princess puss was particularly enamored, Jess not so much. She sat close by as she could and watched.
Without her though. We are struggling to imagine anyone turning up if it's not their job. And it's a bit like when we knew We had to leave Fife would have to do it all ourself knew physically that it was going to be very rough but worse than that it was take something from us that we didn't think we could get back. Maybe they are parts of Us We will better without but that's just a rationalisation to avoid admitting how much it fucking hurts.
Her hate and terror at Us being surrounded by victims is pressing down pretty hard right now. She didn't always belief it was top of my priorities but it always was. They leave us no space to think Mum. How can anyone know how they feel about something if they have no room to think? It wasn't like being surrounded by Satanic butlers, maids, footmen and whatever was any better. Oh it's a really good quality and choice you have in food and drink that's increasingly laced with something lethal, mind boggling and quickly physically addictive. Good views though.
When it came to there being any time, opportunity for anything resembling friendship. It was almost always all her. And if it wasn't all her it was made possible because stuff that had previously happened that were all her. I tried but couldn't stomach it. I wasn't very good at it. We fucking hated them. There was no dumb cheesy hope. Just fools like drunks in a mine field. But it was all worth it when someone did eventually show relatively all by themselves for good reasons.
That was then though and only 'now' in away that seems unlikely to continue for a long time. It's not like we are in a position where we could consider delaying someone doing their job and transforming the material conditions of our life for a second to wait for second just incase. It was never possible for anyone to stay long enough to convince me they would if they could hang out with us depressed, lost, scared, skint in shitty housing.. We are alright when we're busy.
