January 30, 2013

I'm the 6th Spice Girl!!

I feel like a fraud sometimes.  I should be discouraging people from being too nice to ritual abuse victims,  chances are we have hurt hundreds of people and followed countless orders to quash the vulnerable.  I'm scared that someone is going to come out with something that I can't deny and I'll will loose all the support I'm getting.  I've got to challenge my self censorship though or I will never move on from any of it.  It terrifies the thought of opening myself up and finding mes that were broken and programmed to a point of being pure evil, actually getting pleasure from hurting those that can't fight back, relishing the creative procesess during the planning stages.  Well if anyone did come out with anything I wouldn't try and shut them up I would admit everything I believed to be true and explain as much as I could of the circumstances on the way down.  That's why its unlikely I would ever face legal problems, I would have a legal right to representation.  It's not a matter of taking others down with me, its about the truth and believing that without the truth no one heals. But who wouldn't be happy to go to jail for the rest pf their lives if it meant Tony Blair and his pals, some royals, loads of Tories, the entire secret services, loads of polices journalists and whole swathes of the music and film industry were going down to...

Something is going on though.

Things have gotten weird   Physically weird.  Started getting sore last night, it got worse and worse.  Body contorting, stomach swelling then shakes, face and hands kept shuddering, nausea   Eye balls rolling to the back of my head. Thankfully I had no appetite for the tin of Baxter's Pea and Ham Soup earlier and I don't own any crucifixes.   It's been a long time since anything like that has happened I'm so glad it was at night and wee man was fast asleep.  I could hear some of the me's screaming, there were plenty accompanying images.  My body feels all different now.  I put a lot of effort into seducing abusers as a child to create relationships where I was more in charge of the sex so I'd be hurt less.  I could see their faces, hear their instructions and encouragement.  I think there is still fair bits of me that feel responsible for it, that that's who I was, a little kid who was into sex.  It's not right but that's how the world is. Loads of Savile sex stuff came and went.   He liked to put on shows, I was given dance and singing lessons, he filmed them sometimes ('just for Jimmy') sometimes there was lots of people present, having dinner or whatever.

When those to PC's were round the quiet one asked me if I was a child star and if that's how Savile knew me.  It wasn't an easy question to answer and it took me a little while to say 'no' but I was in some circles I was.

Lots of vivid memories about playing the guitar, drumming, singing and loving it.

5 comments:

  1. Maybe those singing/dancing moments were made to groom you. They give you some nice moments in your life and you give something back. And don't blame yourself for your coping mechanisms.

    About the nausea, contorting and soreness, did you told your therapists? You should relax, maybe it's stress. AAIK, these are the symptoms of physical stress. If it continues, it is better to go the hospital.

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  2. If you'd been a saint, you'd probably not be here, and I'm just glad you're not (a saint and not here). The people who want to support you will have read your blog, on and between the lines, and be under no illusion about what you might have had to do to stay alive.

    I don't see how you could be held legally responsible for thing's you've done when your body and your mind were hijacked, and even if you were, the mitigating circumstances are the size of Everest and K2 put together. But since it's been established that the world's not fair, I believe at least no thinking person would hold you morally responsible. And unthinking persons can go take a hike.

    But the biggest fight is not with the outside world, it's with the world inside. Unfortunately, those of us with a conscience tend to judge ourselves so much harder than others ever would. What you're going through at the moment, both physically and mentally, sounds terrifying.

    As for being, as you say, "a kid that was into sex", it's what you were conditioned to be into. Conditioning leaves no room for choice or free will or negotiation. If you'd had a "normal" childhood, inhabited by responsible adults with your best interest at heart, you would have been conditioned to be into the singing and dancing on its own. That's what you deserved to be, and that's what you would have been, given the choice. Just a kid who was into singing and dancing and other childish things.

    I do understand the guilt thing relating to sexual abuse. It's a killer. I need to write about that too, as honestly as I can. Bit tricky to do publicly thought. If you ever want to talk about that or anything else on e-mail, my address is mrsmarguerita@gmail.com

    Do you still sing? I appreciate it might be triggering for you, but it might also help you breathe more deeply if you're anxious. I sometimes do it as a substitute for screaming, because it doesn't scare the neighbours as much.

    I assume you've tried Reiki (from the link). Don't know if it helped, but if you're interested to know about other alternative therapies which might help, just give me a shout. I've tried them all, and many have helped (but not the colonic irrigation. That was just silly. And very expensive).



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  3. I've done it again... written an essay... :-)

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  4. Its a very lovely essay :) Any alternative medicine that actually works I have to be careful with, like you said too triggering. I had a GP who was into acupuncture once. She left them in too long, the skin round all the points near my belly button were bright red and I staggered down the street afterwards feeling like I had just taken crack or something. Interesting as it was, don't think it was particularly helpful to my long term recovery!

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  5. Thank you for sharing so much.

    You have nothing to feel guilty about. Taking control of the situation on your terms is a defence mechanism used by abused children, not a deliberate choice.

    A word of caution - if one day you find yourself in Court, Defence Counsel will use your words against you, so perhaps some of your story is best saved for your book, rather than here.

    Have you had any luck finding a solicitor yet? I'm not sure if you need one practising in Scotland, but it might be worthwhile contacting Peter Garsden - President of Association of Child Abuse Lawyers. Depending on what you need, he may be able to recommend someone.

    He's on twitter and has a blog - http://abuselaw.blogspot.co.uk/

    Narky Anarchist

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