January 30, 2013

I'm the 6th Spice Girl!!

I feel like a fraud sometimes.  I should be discouraging people from being too nice to ritual abuse victims,  chances are we have hurt hundreds of people and followed countless orders to quash the vulnerable.  I'm scared that someone is going to come out with something that I can't deny and I'll will loose all the support I'm getting.  I've got to challenge my self censorship though or I will never move on from any of it.  It terrifies the thought of opening myself up and finding mes that were broken and programmed to a point of being pure evil, actually getting pleasure from hurting those that can't fight back, relishing the creative procesess during the planning stages.  Well if anyone did come out with anything I wouldn't try and shut them up I would admit everything I believed to be true and explain as much as I could of the circumstances on the way down.  That's why its unlikely I would ever face legal problems, I would have a legal right to representation.  It's not a matter of taking others down with me, its about the truth and believing that without the truth no one heals. But who wouldn't be happy to go to jail for the rest pf their lives if it meant Tony Blair and his pals, some royals, loads of Tories, the entire secret services, loads of polices journalists and whole swathes of the music and film industry were going down to...

Something is going on though.

Things have gotten weird   Physically weird.  Started getting sore last night, it got worse and worse.  Body contorting, stomach swelling then shakes, face and hands kept shuddering, nausea   Eye balls rolling to the back of my head. Thankfully I had no appetite for the tin of Baxter's Pea and Ham Soup earlier and I don't own any crucifixes.   It's been a long time since anything like that has happened I'm so glad it was at night and wee man was fast asleep.  I could hear some of the me's screaming, there were plenty accompanying images.  My body feels all different now.  I put a lot of effort into seducing abusers as a child to create relationships where I was more in charge of the sex so I'd be hurt less.  I could see their faces, hear their instructions and encouragement.  I think there is still fair bits of me that feel responsible for it, that that's who I was, a little kid who was into sex.  It's not right but that's how the world is. Loads of Savile sex stuff came and went.   He liked to put on shows, I was given dance and singing lessons, he filmed them sometimes ('just for Jimmy') sometimes there was lots of people present, having dinner or whatever.

When those to PC's were round the quiet one asked me if I was a child star and if that's how Savile knew me.  It wasn't an easy question to answer and it took me a little while to say 'no' but I was in some circles I was.

Lots of vivid memories about playing the guitar, drumming, singing and loving it.