January 16, 2013

In response to anon comment.

An Anonymous comment on 'Again'

I saw the computer aged McCann image as a poster in a bar while on holiday in Greece last September. Gave me the horrors a bit. Had some weird and intense premonitory dreams while there, thought 'oh, overindulgence in the cheap local wine'. Came back to UK news of the missing Welsh child April, then the Savile story very soon after, and now my whole life seems turned upside down and my own memories of childhood no longer trustworthy. It's like quicksand now. What was real? I still don't know what to make of the idea of ritual abuse and people like Valerie Sinason. I read blogs like yours and still have no idea. I'm haunted by things that might be real and might be my own morbid over-imagination. There's a range of expensive ready meals called 'Look What We Found' that triggered fuck out of me. 

I really feel for this Anon, the triggers that cause intense horrible feelings but not knowing what they mean.  The constant nagging uncertainty about where I came from and everything I have every known makes it so hard to 'trust' or 'believe' anything especially if it comes from me.  You are not alone.

If I was to give advice (and I'm not sure I should, one person's healing is another's further trauma) I would suggest laying off the blogs and the media a little.  Make yourself some time, some peace when your well fed warm, etc then sit down and have a quiet word with yourself.  Ask yourself 'What's the matter?' and listen to any response without judgment or criticism even if you think it doesn't make any sense or 'can't be right'.  Talk to yourself like you would talk to a child you know and love.  Write down whatever comes to mind without thinking, without stopping.  It's unlikely you will get any big clear answers but if your body knows your listening it helps the anxiety a lot.  Look for little you and make her/him feel cherished.  

Good luck.