..dear reader..

Not quite so flattened today, did the afternoon school run, bought Chinese food and wine to eat up at mums. Noticed how unselfconscious we felt out, espicially near the school which is usually guaranteed to make us a couple of inches high and in shit covered rags but felt fine. Pain is around espicially this evening but not to the point where we start switching and crying.  Writing what we did and doing the work we are doing over the amount of times objects where forced (or tried to be forced) past our cervix and left there and recognising the people who did it is a possible cause in feeling that much lighter today and last night.  Our legs have pretty much stopped hurting and we reckon that's a good sign of how mental other muscles have been.  It's a very temporary break we know but it's really important we take time to notice how parts that once were mute in various degrees, trapped in traumas they could not let themselves see nevermind name or describ are now engaging ...

When we started writing that last post we were thinking about the ninties. Lots of it happened in my bedroom. Sometimes they would have parties there. Lots was filmed there to. Some put up screens to hide the wall paper etc some didn't bother and used known faces. I thought of it at the time as 'specialist specialist' it was unlikely going to be turning up in all the normal sites and shops used by lots of others. I seemed to be used a lot for specialist specialist sometimes.. Other times it seemed mostly cheap and nasty. Anyhow when we started talking about the walking and starting to recognise and contect with each other - that's the Eighties..  ..bastards..

The chronic pain has always been very consciously connected to the kind of procedures that was used regularly for their experiments in dissociation and the value of the footage for the hard core proper sicko markets. But lots of the gangs and rings did similar stuff prefering and trying out different methods, orifices etc. Groups espicially but most individuals would get more extreme in terms of pain suffered, risks to by life with abusers becoming less and less able to show any empathy at any point. For many of them it seemed to us to be such literal woman hating, hating where you come from to abuse the womb in such ways by forcing things of increasingly size and/or variety inside then watching as whatever it was was pushed. It was rehearsed and done for show & profit. Used for punishment and to keep us in place or just cause abusers enjoyed it. There would be filming sometimes, the same kinds of extremes and dead walking porn producers and enforcers coming back year after year a...

Alright, alright. Me telling you 'everything is fine' doesn't help. It's hard to engage on your own though. There is a big push to get more in depth in therapy. We are getting behind the fronts that covers it all in ways that feels permanent. We need to have faith that the therapy is going to help eventuly with the pain that has controled us to varying degrees for a long time. There is not going to be any decorating when it burns and aches like this so much of the time, making the trauma feel nice and fresh.  T talks about asking parts to stop the pain and think that with some in depth work she will start to understand how that isn't going work. It's too complex. We need to figure our which part is unable to communicate with another part that would free them up to help out the parts that will be able to help the parts who help the parts that cause the pain once they have their needs met..  Bloody politics.  Of course it's not fine that we don't know wher...

Sorry we haven't written for a while. We are never very sure how to articulate when we are changing like we feel we are  at the moment. Not externally, we are releasing lots of pain and are exhausted with all the trauma recall that is popping up constantly but we can see ourselves without blinding negativity. We are not running from whatever pops up or holding on it either. We hold on to the part that lived it and watch the trauma file itself in a system that I am increasingly able to make sense of.  So much less DID shame.  Cats are bloody brilliant. We love them. They seem like good non psychopathic pusses thankfully to. We are spending lots of time on the sofa cuddled up with them. The little one is so funny with all the typical young cat stuff it's a relief to have more life about the place. An even bigger relief that we are in a place where it is a relief to have all the life pitter pattering about if you know what I mean.  Have invested lots of time and some ac...

She checked out a drawer a couple of times but wasn't content anywhere. Kept following me around. On me or as close to me as she could tolerate if we were smoking.  Her behaviour to the kitten had changed she was tolerating him.  Not growling or going for him any more. We knew something was up and we knew what. It was also clear that she wasn't going go find a corner or go under my bed or anything she just wanted be with me.  Having been in labour ourselves we we reluctant to try and persuade her to move. It was awful. Thankfully junior was at his grans anyway because pain was at non functioning levels, menstruating. We did lots of colouring in but it was only for so long we could sit there, colour whilst petting and calming talking to and encouraging her but we managed not to puke. When she started struggling she went into a dark corner with most of what looked like a lifeless wee soul already passed. She was fine though, popped out a few minutes later minus kitten an...

Cleaned a good bit yesterday, bits that have been put off for ages and hoovered. Metal dish scrubber and sponge to vinyl, got off most the paint splashes off floor neat the doors, the mankiest of skirting washed. Splatter on kitchen radiator gone. Big. Steps. Back to looking forward to sorting and usifying house again. Moving little bits of furniture around to see how it will work best. Staring at walls and thinking about colours and light. Been great with kids here.  They are at ages that with enough good new distractions they can be left to it. Let them turn their room into utter carnage. Of course their Gran stressed about them making mess. Particularly when they got into a bag of wool. They are are healthy able bodied primary school aged kids, there are three of them and its wool.. besides they are co-operating really well and its merry merry, let them be. Couldnt of felt happier seeing monkey clarted in dust from pastels, might frame some of what she has done, really smart...

So festive parts around. Got some essentials. Its looking good. I see the railway track near Longforgn when I stared up after an awful walk mum had decided she wanted to bond with me get me fit, she was worried about me getting fat.  There had been some horrific nights around that time I was in a lot of pain, so tired. I was switching like mad there was no 'everything is ok really' she had been reduced to seconds with loud abusive voices shouting at her the whole time until she ran away weeping. There was this increasing conscious awareness of everything we were been put through but seen as if from a distance like it was a film watched by a good student for a course they need to do well in but isnt a subject that particularly engaged them. In its self that is pretty cool but it was terrifying because it had been linked in programming to being caught in states where parts had lost the ability to dissociate at all during trauma. That seemed to be an objective in terms of the rin...