Postcard from a very different place..

The chronic pain has always been very consciously connected to the kind of procedures that was used regularly for their experiments in dissociation and the value of the footage for the hard core proper sicko markets. But lots of the gangs and rings did similar stuff prefering and trying out different methods, orifices etc. Groups espicially but most individuals would get more extreme in terms of pain suffered, risks to by life with abusers becoming less and less able to show any empathy at any point. For many of them it seemed to us to be such literal woman hating, hating where you come from to abuse the womb in such ways by forcing things of increasingly size and/or variety inside then watching as whatever it was was pushed. It was rehearsed and done for show & profit. Used for punishment and to keep us in place or just cause abusers enjoyed it. There would be filming sometimes, the same kinds of extremes and dead walking porn producers and enforcers coming back year after year after year. 

A particular ring used to have us repeating the objects that were used, when it happened and why it happened and why we would relive it and other stuff in rhyming phrases.

The physical worst of it with that lot was mostly done and organised by men, some Scottish some not. 20s & 30s could tell they came from families who were powerful or made lots of money young they talked openly about how their contacts would protect them, they said they could get away with anything and liked to try and prove it.

 They really believed in their superiority to us and in the hiarchy of it all and most of them acted only respectfully towards members of the network of older, mostly white make establishment types would who were overseeing.  Sometimes they would use us for their personal fun to by taking us away for rape in private,  watching the procedures or by taking part preperations for whatever specific horrific footage the investors had required or the managers said was necessary for a subjects development.

This older lot were often into dressing up in silly customs and acting ridiculous things out. They got frustrated quickly if you refused or when you were in too much pain to prance around or act they wanted. Some were real groomers though and I knew I was unlikely to get out of the room bacting like I had been persuaded before consenting and acting like I was in love with the rapist/s. If they didn't have much time they would often just violently rape making it as humiliating and painfull as possible as punishment for not acting the part. It was so hard to see them as people and telling ourselves they had DID to didn't help.  

I spent a lot of time thinking about what was worst, what was making it all happen and if it could really be possible that all those household names could be completed psychopaths? They were definitely around but were the spooks and the thugs making us think they were much worse torturers than they actually were?

 I would walk about the Glen thinking about it and reliving the good moments whenever we could.  We started noticing how we responded to our surroundings. We started being able to identify different parts of our self by our responses to the different paths and bridges, woods, hills, buildings ect.

There seemed to be few abusers who just wanted to hurt or get whatever it was they got from us when they forced us to go away they so often wanted to use us to make money as well. We weren't sure why but we often found our selves thinking about that and feeling the complete alienation for my future and the world that this caused.

 

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