January 02, 2015

2014 Last post

So festive parts around. Got some essentials. Its looking good. I see the railway track near Longforgn when I stared up after an awful walk mum had decided she wanted to bond with me get me fit, she was worried about me getting fat.  There had been some horrific nights around that time I was in a lot of pain, so tired. I was switching like mad there was no 'everything is ok really' she had been reduced to seconds with loud abusive voices shouting at her the whole time until she ran away weeping. There was this increasing conscious awareness of everything we were been put through but seen as if from a distance like it was a film watched by a good student for a course they need to do well in but isnt a subject that particularly engaged them. In its self that is pretty cool but it was terrifying because it had been linked in programming to being caught in states where parts had lost the ability to dissociate at all during trauma. That seemed to be an objective in terms of the rings a lot.  We stood on the bridge and stared up the tracks to slight bend before they went out of view. Trying to remember very shade of green and grey and brown in the landscape and sky working so hard to be there, to find something tangible, that was strong and rooted in solid realness enough to get me through whatever was going to happen next.  Everything hurt or ached a lot except for the most inside places that were burning and screaming in agony and couldnt be minimised or ignored any more. Mother was being her usual unsympathetic self.

It was before the perspective that is sitting here beliefs we started menstruating but we dont think that is particularly relevant. We think more of things being forced inside. But maybe it was miscarriage. The details will come at some point later there are parts close that have already seen it and we can see them. The understanding hasnt driven them into becoming complete ghouls. They just seem like any of us, maybe a bit smarter and calmer.. Some say it was particularly bad in terms of how it was experienced and what that did to our whole systems but familiar in terms of the specifics of what we went through. We have stronger ones that we cant see quite so well but we have glimpses into their insight and know they have a much deeper and detailed understanding 'particularly bad .. in terms of what it did to our system'  and 'familiar in terms of specifics actually means. Their/Our pain is very palpable. We know. We were there. All that pain happened to us to and we are the parts the control what we do without us seeing them. We want them to stop holding back all that horror because the names and faces of main enforcers are all over Music, TV, Radio, Academia, Psychology, Science.

 They made their voices shout in our heads whilst torturing us for hearing them.We are strong enough there are loads of us that have been dealing with all this shit there is loads of us here working really well together you know us well enough to not crush us you are already here.

Besides there are so many others we that will come forward because they see you trusting we wont have time to mess up over you. You are good that is why you hold and protected us from it so we know when you are able you will help others. No one is expected to have anything to do with outside people if they dont want to. There are plenty for all that to.

Anyway the railway tracks and talk of the expression 'further up the track'  But all we say was how beautiful it looked. Did we remember it happening because we were in the same location? not a flashback as much as a clear memory without any emotions. Decisions were made. There seems to have always been lots of serious decisions being made or being planned to be made and lots of weeping about what we could be thinking about and working on if we can more time and space, food and warmth to do it.

I was in primary 5/6.