January 23, 2015

Well maybe everything isn't all that awesome..

Alright, alright. Me telling you 'everything is fine' doesn't help. It's hard to engage on your own though.

There is a big push to get more in depth in therapy. We are getting behind the fronts that covers it all in ways that feels permanent. We need to have faith that the therapy is going to help eventuly with the pain that has controled us to varying degrees for a long time. There is not going to be any decorating when it burns and aches like this so much of the time, making the trauma feel nice and fresh. 

T talks about asking parts to stop the pain and think that with some in depth work she will start to understand how that isn't going work. It's too complex. We need to figure our which part is unable to communicate with another part that would free them up to help out the parts that will be able to help the parts who help the parts that cause the pain once they have their needs met.. 

Bloody politics. 

Of course it's not fine that we don't know where you are at.. Or if you are even alive or the soul we think you are etc., etc., just part of it all though isn't it.  

Pretty confident we haven't completly made you up or fallen for some cartel of 'Intel experts' cartoon.  It's the way everything else starts making sense when we start accepting the role you played in our survival that is most convincing.  We start remembering the monotony of being abused, the airports, the transitions and we all start to see and feel each other better. Best of all and scariest of all is the strong sense of an 'I' that has existed through it all rather than a constant dislocation and amnesia about the past. It's a human 'I' though, she became mute, buried without help.

We are not exactly prepared to accept the physical pain, the contractions, the inflammation and whatever else is going on is just something that will be forever but we know it is a possibility. 

Unsurprisingly the lack denial states makes being around mother very hard. It's an elephant in the room punching me in the uterus and making us feel we have moved no further forward in anyway.  We just feel like we need more than a therapist to deal with all that any time soon. 

We had forgotten we have noticed in the past how tired and achy we feel when we have too much contact with her. 

On the other hand, she has kept junior on school nights when we have said we are too sore to cope. We need the time. It's wonderful, treasured, fabulous, healing time! Even if it only happens when we are desperate from hurting. We can partially placate ourselves by taking a look at how far we have come and how we did it, let her have some time with him she is alone, older and it's probably not going to be able to see him forever, things are always changing.  

Bring Mr Men stuff & pens. Lots of pens.

Love you.