January 16, 2015

cat trauma

She checked out a drawer a couple of times but wasn't content anywhere. Kept following me around. On me or as close to me as she could tolerate if we were smoking.  Her behaviour to the kitten had changed she was tolerating him.  Not growling or going for him any more. We knew something was up and we knew what. It was also clear that she wasn't going go find a corner or go under my bed or anything she just wanted be with me.  Having been in labour ourselves we we reluctant to try and persuade her to move. It was awful. Thankfully junior was at his grans anyway because pain was at non functioning levels, menstruating. We did lots of colouring in but it was only for so long we could sit there, colour whilst petting and calming talking to and encouraging her but we managed not to puke. When she started struggling she went into a dark corner with most of what looked like a lifeless wee soul already passed.

She was fine though, popped out a few minutes later minus kitten and looking non stressed, tried to get back on my lap. We where wearing our new jammie bottoms. She went back to the corner with a little bit of encouragement we weren't sure if she had more and the thought of her giving birth on our actual lap was too much. Thankfully. that was all though.  Didn't know what to do with the wee body but as she was following me about and not protecting it so much I shut her in the kitchen to get it. All black, seemed quite big really and definitely dead no matter how much we blew into its nose or rubbed its belly. The mom stays close to me still and meows a little bit at night when we go to bed and she doesnt want to come through for a little while. She is definitely our cat now. She puts her front legs over our belly and it comforts the sore parts more than the microwave hot thing does.

Very glad we had sufficient medication. We see pain we feel pain and seeing puss with full on contractions when we had already been suffering made it very difficult to not dissociate badly but we rode it out on gabys and weed. Have been hitting the gabys a bit hard because they improve our quality of life without necessarily taking all pain away and cause the doc said we should be taking them three times a day anyway.

We are becoming more comfortable and less judgey with ourselves about the drugs, prescribed and otherwise.  The pain is release, we are not just getting incomprehensible disturbing snippets any more we are remembering. We are starting to accept the experience as it was, all that physical pain and everything that went all long with it happened and how happen. It happened then and thats what it felt like but it is not happening now. Its really nice now. People who went through that would love living here with the rest of us. Its not perfect but we wont ignore or relish your pain.

Supershrink agrees, reluctantly of course that drugs really are acceptable at the moment because they loosen the anxiety that keeps the 'we don't have DID' system running and that means depression, lack of self worth, public vulnerability etc., etc,. in place. There is lots of commitment and excitement even that we are ready to start doing heavier work in therapy. Fucking scary as well of course. But the stuff we have already processed and is floating about in our head day to day and causing little or no anxiety when we bump into is hardly the lighter stuff or only understood from a limited perspective. We are sharing things. Its like we have the picture of what the jigsaw looks like know and are co-operating well in putting it together. We have taken enough of the walls down to see and wave to each other.  Taking the monsters apart in shifts and using the parts to repair the broken bits.

jeez enough with similes..  No change really just a bit further on with what we have always being doing. Feels great though. We bought Scotland socks. Seriously. Other socks and pants to. And new duvet and pillows so we have some that havent been peed or puked on at any time.. Even Gran is buying herself playmobil. She said something about buying camping gear we were only half listening and never said she wasnt really fit for camping these days. When us came back with the bairns after school she was constructing a playmobil campsite. She has bought sets for the kids to. Excellent. We are of course utterly delighted with out fairies, trees and animals collection. Unspeakably so at times..

Maybe some things have changed..

 People that were in hell are know wandering about in ancient woodlands or lazing around on beaches, watch tv and smoke weed all day in safety..