..dear reader..

Fear of sleeping. Maybe there is some physical safety concerns at levels where we keep our concerns for our own and junior’s physical safety, below our conscious awareness. Maybe its all the decades of having to do that releasing and bringing us down with massive anxiety. 6 am last night with the lad telling us to get out of bed at half eight he was pretty sympathetic when we told though. There just hasnt been enough positive experiences to make closing our eyes a pleasant experience. We have feel ourself searching for a safe internal space but finding nothing. The best we can get is thinking about how we have put real distance between ourself and Bill, Lynne, Deek, Nathan, Dundee, Fife, Niall. Without them its political systems, cultures and institutions that we are most at risk from and how can we put distance between ourself and being who we are on this planet, its history of genocide, it’s sick and powerful master plans? Faith. Faith and nature. The lobelia and the petunias ha...

So pretty much a rerun of the Savile inquires, except longer and a bit more effort put into looking like there was due process occurring to make it look like the conclusions were not already written up before the investigations began. Republican finds populist republican president innocent because thats what is best for conserving the anti humanitarian status quo and their privilege positions within that status quo. We  havent been doing much reading off it and we know Barr will not be releasing the whole thing if he can help it but saying the farts are not criminals is a lot like the “no formal rings” thing, so much effort must of gone into ignoring, avoiding and creating convulted reinterpretions of plain and basic facts. Good luck to the Dems though. And for fucks sake, be brave. We shitty mood anyway. Pain, supportless, horrible awful humanoid infested planet. Cant be the parent we want to be feel so guilty and so angry about that. Usual. How the fuck did we survive all th...

Asda showed up today when we at shop but left boy coz he wasn’t feeling well. We got two of a few essentials now, butter, honey, pads, milk, bread.. Maybe shouldnt have drank wine feeling all ik. So much so unfair. Just so much horribleness that people just think its normal and isnt worth trying to change. We gotta fight for our basics but no pushing ourself is gonna make us less alone and that really really hurts. Nice room just makes us angry and sorry we cant more good things for child/children. Will try not sleep all day tomorrow will do a call we need to do, maybe two and maybe walk it always makes us feel better to be outside, it often doesnt last but still a bit of feeling happier is a lot better than none. Want what we need to help us work through things, excercise and feel better. Also really want a hug or hand to hold. Reminded ourself when thinking bout how to explain things to docs, was only end of last year we got away from rings being so near, knowing where we were, ...

Sleep fear and aches have been real bad but it did mean we moved the dresser and started putting the books back on the book case at half eight in the morning. Could sleep after that. Chuffed. Couldn't stop ourself from pointless searching in the dresser drawers for something wonderful before having a little cry, then carrying on. Did find some codiene in a dressing gown pocket we were binning, very relieved all out other than that and am going to need it for our knees. Almost managed to not take the last we thought we had but when we closed our eyes to try and sleep in the early hours we heard what sounded and felt like us being raped so we pulled ourself out of that gave up on the sleeping, took the pills and added to lists on amazon. Incense, floral scented candles, fantasy gardening, dried or fake flowers for the fireplace and vest tops mostly. Needs a hanging plant at the window... Damn just noticed we forgot to move tea cup.. Asda didn't try to hard at knocki...

A doc has looked at them though, how the fuck do we prepare for the "has there been previous injury" questions? There are not going to get it in a couple of minutes, probably but we have no idea how bad and if there has been it won't be in the records even if you had them and had the time to go through them all. He described the left knee as "not happy".. And we both had a laugh when he commented on it clicking and I said " everything clicks". An actual referral though, one that we probably be able to make it to and have the same issues with not knowing our own history of injuries.  "We know that when our hands were tortured in 2013 or 14 it gave us flashbacks of them being tortured before and we have a vague impression of something being done to our knees but can't remember much does that help?" Doc seemed decent enough but he did do though whole "dredging up the past isn't helpful" line about our mental health and ong...

It gets a lot more light than we thought. Haven't taken any before shots but pretty sure the letting agency has. Just be clearing and chopping back stuff like the prickly evergreen tree that was making half the washing line unusable and starting to clear the years of bird planted shrubs, think most of it is some kind of broom. One in particular is seriously daunting, like its been there decades. We got a saw, we got choppers we got a digging fork will definitely be giving it a go, whilst not overdoing it.. Of course. Also need to not spend all the money in a couple of days. Dude needs stuff and I left it too late to get a garden waste bin for free and will now have to spend £40 on it :-(. There is fuck all else I can do with all, there is already at least a bins worth piled up. Usual all excited with the possibilities and outsideness bugged about the budget and now that I'm inside and tired the awfulness and horrors of all the years in Rotty and what Laura and Margo were put...

Telephone consultation was good, although its frustrating and a bit humiliating to feel how much better we feel after a few minutes of decent professional care. He said it sounds like its muscular and we need to strengthen our quads and described some exercises and that reminded us we need to exercise our quads daily or our knees are fucked. Remembered drinking a pint in Glasgow and a bar man reminding us "quads!", so we started sticking our leg out whilst guzzling the Guinness, " other leg" so we rolled our eyes a bit and changed seats so we could to the other. Care like that means so fucking much to us. The eye rolling wasn't just for show, it was to help us keep as much of us back from it as possible because we need it and it would never be allowed to last. Beer garden will be a good place for it again though, after a walk and the Guinness was wondrous. That pub in Glasgow wasn't always the best for keeping its pipes clean and Guinness pipes need to be...

Hello reader, Feeling quite miserable tonight. Lots of the usual reasons, like the no cannabis and the endless depressing desperate hunt for it in our vivid friendless dreams, the nature of Earth, the way the past keeps throwing constant hurdles at our attempts at making a better present and future. Couldn't mediate because we kept getting flashes. Can't buy knee supports or books on arthritis because there is not enough money. They are both still pretty bad and we have no idea what to do about it. Keep not phoning the docs, it has to be done in the morning because of the system they use and the knee pains and dream dread is keeping us awake most nights. We know there will be useful stuff on the internet but we also know there is lots of bullshit out there to and we are very cynical about the existence of "reliable sources". Physical books are easier for us to read and evaluate. Either way we need to find out about how to not make them worse, how to exercise, head ...

The confidence that dumpster would never hit Mrs dumpster was .. Interesting.. And slightly weird. Not that he definitely has, there are some who disrespect their wives in many ways but not with physical violence. Not to woman they have married. Other women and girls who they are not publicly and legally associated with and who can easily be discounted, silenced or disappeared sure. Never saw the bit when he was asked about the pee tape but heard it was strongly denied. Strange thing to be confident about, were often present during his sexual activities Mr Cohn?  Did see the opening statement where Cohn talked about the racism and how it was worse in private. Of course, but the chief scumbag also has a history of being very openly and publicly sexist and behaving disgustingly to women but it was never mentioned or asked about.. bro code? Democrats just not interested in asking the guy who gets called at 3 am to fix things about criminal behaviour against women and/or girls? Ma...