..dear reader..

Did help last nights post. After we still felt pretty shitty but we did start remembering more than just hell. A male, and not an afore mentioned one either. We have been feeling gay recently what with thinking about Louise and seeing Zoe from Nurse Jackie adapting to the loss of most of the men folks in Godless (oh my) so of course we are going to remember intense physical experiences and serious commitments to a male.. I'm not interested in writing much about him, if it's you your gonna know. It wasn't some fuck with the dissociated slave by making her littles think some excessively attractive person from the telly is gonna come back and rescue her if she just does what she's told. Not like there has been many genuine flings. We starting kissing and didn't stop until an extremely loud alarm floored us both. He looked to for a sign of what might the hell might be about to happen but we knew what it was about and were just rolling our eyes and swearing so he laug...

Week two of shitty shitty cold virus. Closing my eyes just puts us back there, under blankets that there isn't enough of, no heating in the room, single glazing. Symptoms just dragging on and on. There's no past, not future. Just an awful present. The virus making it impossible to distract our self from our core, of not just food insecurity, lack of physical care and Margo's unpredictability, the chance  of a slap from Lynne or someone or much much worse it's all these things and the living with seeing the torture and deaths we have witnessed of people who would and in some cases did do what they could to keep us warm and fed well and the attempts at our own life and the knowing there would be more. The uniforms, the accents, the connectedness and the privileges of the killers. The knowledge that left us with, the understanding that there would be no safety and no healing. The annihilation of what propaganda described as normal childhood, we were forced to believe in...

It didn't work. We read a bit, wrote a bit. Then avoided sleep for hours and hours. Amazon always good for avoiding sleep espically when you know you have issues with impulsiveness and indecisiveness. Finally ordered clothes for junior that will hopefully fit him. He cares about clothes even less than We do (going to start with We meaning me us, we deserve a capital) so even on the couple of occasions We dragged him into a clothes shop he wasn't much help. So today we have been sleeping, feeling shitty, eating and bugger all else. Going to give it a better go tonight and not find excuses during the window of sleepiness. Think it was the writing that partly stirred us up, the exact opposite of what we intended. Yep. Too tired for fear of nightmares. But then bladder got us up and now we are very small and very upset and very  alone even though we have  been remembering  being helped in the  past. We keep the feelings of people saving us or phoning as long as we...

The night nurse has been helping but think its the kind of illness that makes us sleepy and that's always preferable to being kept awake to feel rough as fuck. Did a little today, dried bedding, tried out the new hoover, put new bedding on all of which resulted in serious out breathness and severe sweatiness. The shopping arrived just before he came home from school so we were quite exhausted and grumpy after getting it all up the stairs. Decent lunches for us to help us recover. Too ill for vino but got brandy to aid with night sleeping, drinking it in tea with honey like we do over winter fest and strangely enough ended up looking at advent calendars after our soak. Pablo's wanted a quite pricey and because there was money there we could get one our littles are all excited for. Little lego tree decorations.. Little fingers are craving lego quite a bit. That's good. We defended ourself against Bill in a dream recently, stabbed him repeatedly. Gruesome but better than aw...

Well if I'm gonna be flattened by a virus Pablo has taken home from school for us it's not so bad if the worst of comes of a day when new cotton pj bottoms and very soft fleecy jumper arrives. We are well coordinated, it's all about the duck egg shades, the new stuff, our duvet cover, pillow cases and the towel on the bathroom floor are all pale greeny blues. We particularly like it against the vintage pink bath mat.. What's not so good is the house being a bit like after moving in because there is so much boxes and stuff everywhere. Will be cool when we get it all organised and get rid of the overly large dresser, chuck out or donate stuff and stop keeping things we never use. Including the new flares that are supposed to be a size 14 but are closer to 8 - 10 and we don't send stuff back, our mind freaks at the thought of that. The only other new stuff fuck up is plant pots that were supposed to be for in doors but are huge. They will be good for outside though an...

Stuff from Amazon starting to arrive. Very cool except for the cardboards boxes filled with paper and another cardboard box. It will all get in the recycling bin eventually. Bit worried about spending too much and equally about going for cheapest options that are not fit for purpose and wasted cash. Hope arrivals tomorrow inspire me to make flat nice been slipping. Usual reasons, pain, mood, not sleeping, sleeping during the day. Psychs today were talking about sleep hygiene, was sent away from a leaflet that we haven't look at yet. Even if we could (and we can't) get daily exercise, use relaxation methods, not eat much or drink tea in the evening the sleep fear is still going to be there. As lucid as our dreaming can be its not lucid enough to be able to get away from the misery themes that have been the basis of so much of lived experience and the things we are afraid because there was a real possibility of happening when we slept are not all things we could discuss with N...

Some of the songs we have been listening to recently reminded us of it and inspired a mental note to look up that Mazzy Star track. We had already gone from noticing and no longer disregarding the memories when it came on without us looking for it when we stuck on a made for you Spotify list.  There wasn't any 'I think..' about it, it just was. She stuck with the name because it was the easiest for both of us to remember and because it really pisses the ranks of slavers when their efforts to completely alienated you from yourself becomes a basis of empowerment. Then when Pulp's Common People come on after the memories on lying on the bedroom floor in Skene together with getting seriously, consensually and intensely physical for the first probably last time with her or anyone. As younger kids we had collapsed on a prickly forest floor together when we could run no longer and were sure we had lost them but had to stay low and still we were so overjoyed at finding not j...

Too much feelings to eat. Had a wonderful walk today though. Really wonderful. So glad we moved here. Been missing our old house though because it was a house, a kitchen with space for a table, a microwave AND chopping board space. Missing the pusses of course to but not the shed next door, the summer days and evenings of constant unbelievable verbal and all the night time violence we can't remember but know we walked away from when others didn't. Don't miss the piss, puke, flea infested carpets and how they were a constant reminder of how we are seen and treated and how nothing we or any one else did or could do would change that. With have trees outside some of our windows here and no spitting when we leave the house just people saying hello. It's kind of impossible to sufficiently distract ourself from everything we were put through and couldn't acknowledge at the time by ourself. Not that we wish to always avoid all of it but to have some help at doing and be...

Feeling different today, this evening rather as we were awake all night and slept most of the day only woken by the posty getting sight of us wincing at the light in a grubby giant tshirt, sweaty hair and tracky bottoms we couldn't fit into but needed something to open the door in then when junior came home. Maybe related to yesterday being the eighth of September, there is no one upfront sharing what the significance of that it's that when we were doodling a week or so ago it was written and didn't come with the typical drowning suffocating crushing sense that comes with horror anniversary or upcoming events. It felt clearer maybe even a little sparkly. Sharp solid edges in our consciousness are the visible tip to whatever is underneath the thick solid ice that separates us and recently we been thinking about how Graham helped us recognise how much of the awfulness had not gone down as expected. None of the programmers, abusers, slavers or rapists that had gotten into t...

Very glad to have found a new spooky thing to watch after devouring 'Somewhere Between' and there being no chance in hell of going back to the latest serious of American Horror, not just because we prefer some historical context and distance with our horror especially since it's centered on violent Trump supporter. Maybe it will be more watchable when the Trumpster fire is over but it just seemed so trope packed and totally lacking in any nuance or real creativity, not that we got very far into it. Way too fucking soon, way to fucking heartless, a fucking homage to nihilism and no one needs that, not even nihilists coz they don't fucking care. Our new thing is 'Ghost Wars', which has what we like in our creepy entertainment, an isolated beautiful physical setting that makes us long to live there, the dead messing with the living, a freaking out cast that's talks to people that aren't there and who is the only one who can handle whats going on, Meat Lo...

Been smiling at the date. September 1st. Has this been out first summer ever without serious abuses and/or trauma? We did hear a little girl say something like, 'I like this garden don't you Dad?' and a male voice saying he didn't because it was 'chocked with weeds' have to presume that because we heard them so clearly and mine was a bit weedy at the time that they were talking about here. It did have us feeling stuff that we recognised as triggered, even weeks afterwards we kept finding ourself thinking about the way he talked to her, the accent and how it was very much the type of thing that would happen daily in Fife when things were going okay. That petty nastiness and the sense that so much of things we overhear from strangers are scripted. We are not bombarded with that feeling every time we are exposed to any person ever as we were. Thinking this has us easing up on feeling guilty and mournful over not going out more, not going places or doing more thing...