'..and get this.. under his own fucking name..'
Feeling different today, this evening rather as we were awake all night and slept most of the day only woken by the posty getting sight of us wincing at the light in a grubby giant tshirt, sweaty hair and tracky bottoms we couldn't fit into but needed something to open the door in then when junior came home. Maybe related to yesterday being the eighth of September, there is no one upfront sharing what the significance of that it's that when we were doodling a week or so ago it was written and didn't come with the typical drowning suffocating crushing sense that comes with horror anniversary or upcoming events. It felt clearer maybe even a little sparkly.
Sharp solid edges in our consciousness are the visible tip to whatever is underneath the thick solid ice that separates us and recently we been thinking about how Graham helped us recognise how much of the awfulness had not gone down as expected. None of the programmers, abusers, slavers or rapists that had gotten into the flat had left alive but we had to work the faked memory systems hard to keep certain rings from trying harder until they were weakened. Me, my mum, Pablo we explained, flicking our head a bit to shift how it felt when our mom crippled and wired up in a secure slaver science and technology institution talked to us through Pablo's pre school and early school years mouth. The three us together almost completely unbeatable. We could see it burn in him when he saw how much horror, hunger, corruption and oppression is a fucking choice and not something that is beyond peoples power to stop, how there is zero chance of returning to how things might of been and how that doesn't just effect me, my mum, Pablo and him but the whole planet, everything and everyone on it.
The only thing that stopped the work done back then from happening before was too maybe people making sure it didn't, leaving us with no option than to keep reducing those people and their abilities to make us Pablo and I's life, body and mind in constant serious danger.
It is starting to dawn on us, how different things are as compared to what would of been but its impossible to recognise that without also acknowledging specifics of what was and how much still is and that is really difficult.
We slept overnight as well as most of yesterday. Woke up and checked there was available funds to get baccy and juice rather than being awake all night and waiting for the shop to open. Still quite tired and doing the whole there's so much to do maybe will just do nothing thing. Pablo just came back because he had forgotten the PIP form I asked him to post on his way to school but had forgotten about this morning. He's a good boy. Not happy about me having to ask again for the money we need. Me neither hun. Just relieved at the moment that it's done but I'm sure we will return to worrying about how much detail we put in, we said 'social anxiety' but didn't go into any detail about what that is or how it feels.. Did describe how we can get so bad when out and about with Pablo that we forget he's there and are hands are sore daily now so hopefully that will help..
Been watching a bit of Maddow this morning. Lots of remembering discussing things that are in the news now years sometimes decades ago.
''Of course there will be efforts to make sure we get you out before trump and co ID's you..''
''Appreciated.''
''...They' will that is.. not 'we'...''
Our mood started plummeting rapidly again but he put his arms around me and gave us a long tight hug and it levelled us out, he only pulled away and went into pre fight or flight when someone entered the corridor but relaxed him again when we explained they guy who just entered the corridor was friendly and had been since we had coerced him into babysitting.
''That'll' do it.'' We agreed.
The other guy approached put his arm around him before making sure I got out safely. Muttering about stupid self destructive Fascists. Before I left the guy I had been talking to called out, think it started with an R then he changed his mind to, ''Daffs''
We turned round with our face all screwed up, why the fuck was he calling us that?
His own fucking name.. bet he never has to worry about dentists, food banks or go bin racking for baccy. All so fucking despicable.
Sharp solid edges in our consciousness are the visible tip to whatever is underneath the thick solid ice that separates us and recently we been thinking about how Graham helped us recognise how much of the awfulness had not gone down as expected. None of the programmers, abusers, slavers or rapists that had gotten into the flat had left alive but we had to work the faked memory systems hard to keep certain rings from trying harder until they were weakened. Me, my mum, Pablo we explained, flicking our head a bit to shift how it felt when our mom crippled and wired up in a secure slaver science and technology institution talked to us through Pablo's pre school and early school years mouth. The three us together almost completely unbeatable. We could see it burn in him when he saw how much horror, hunger, corruption and oppression is a fucking choice and not something that is beyond peoples power to stop, how there is zero chance of returning to how things might of been and how that doesn't just effect me, my mum, Pablo and him but the whole planet, everything and everyone on it.
The only thing that stopped the work done back then from happening before was too maybe people making sure it didn't, leaving us with no option than to keep reducing those people and their abilities to make us Pablo and I's life, body and mind in constant serious danger.
It is starting to dawn on us, how different things are as compared to what would of been but its impossible to recognise that without also acknowledging specifics of what was and how much still is and that is really difficult.
We slept overnight as well as most of yesterday. Woke up and checked there was available funds to get baccy and juice rather than being awake all night and waiting for the shop to open. Still quite tired and doing the whole there's so much to do maybe will just do nothing thing. Pablo just came back because he had forgotten the PIP form I asked him to post on his way to school but had forgotten about this morning. He's a good boy. Not happy about me having to ask again for the money we need. Me neither hun. Just relieved at the moment that it's done but I'm sure we will return to worrying about how much detail we put in, we said 'social anxiety' but didn't go into any detail about what that is or how it feels.. Did describe how we can get so bad when out and about with Pablo that we forget he's there and are hands are sore daily now so hopefully that will help..
Been watching a bit of Maddow this morning. Lots of remembering discussing things that are in the news now years sometimes decades ago.
''Of course there will be efforts to make sure we get you out before trump and co ID's you..''
''Appreciated.''
''...They' will that is.. not 'we'...''
Our mood started plummeting rapidly again but he put his arms around me and gave us a long tight hug and it levelled us out, he only pulled away and went into pre fight or flight when someone entered the corridor but relaxed him again when we explained they guy who just entered the corridor was friendly and had been since we had coerced him into babysitting.
''That'll' do it.'' We agreed.
The other guy approached put his arm around him before making sure I got out safely. Muttering about stupid self destructive Fascists. Before I left the guy I had been talking to called out, think it started with an R then he changed his mind to, ''Daffs''
We turned round with our face all screwed up, why the fuck was he calling us that?
His own fucking name.. bet he never has to worry about dentists, food banks or go bin racking for baccy. All so fucking despicable.
