Think of peaceful future days and not just about how much the past returns at night.
The night nurse has been helping but think its the kind of illness that makes us sleepy and that's always preferable to being kept awake to feel rough as fuck. Did a little today, dried bedding, tried out the new hoover, put new bedding on all of which resulted in serious out breathness and severe sweatiness. The shopping arrived just before he came home from school so we were quite exhausted and grumpy after getting it all up the stairs. Decent lunches for us to help us recover. Too ill for vino but got brandy to aid with night sleeping, drinking it in tea with honey like we do over winter fest and strangely enough ended up looking at advent calendars after our soak. Pablo's wanted a quite pricey and because there was money there we could get one our littles are all excited for. Little lego tree decorations.. Little fingers are craving lego quite a bit. That's good.
We defended ourself against Bill in a dream recently, stabbed him repeatedly. Gruesome but better than awful crippling 'can't' feeling we have had, a physical, mental and emotional squishedness, some kind of very heavy annihilating oppression that is too strong to know if it comes from inside us or out. It doesn't feel like it matters if it was weaker or us stronger. Lots of the usual stuff since then though, Margo's neglect and indifference, cycles of not being able to find Pablo, not knowing how old he is and if we will be able to recognise him, being reunited, losing him again.. We have been hearing ourself saying we were leaving things a fair bit though, school, the Johnston's.. That's always got to be good and not just because the waking up and realising we are about to start a career in academia and it was never an option be we allowed for me us and how all life was taken from Louise us.
There was a crazy vivid image of Margo driving me, Lynne, Laura and there was these massive black sheets going from way up high to the ground designed to look like the night sky but there was flaps that Margo had to slow the car down to drive through. They were impressive, beautiful as well as intimidating and scary.
The sleeping for a few hours then being awake for a while, then sleeping for a few more means that there is a high chance of being messed up by dreams twice in one day. Was the second sleep today that was the worst, very weepy and shaky.
Tonight we have not bothered with the nightnurse and just used the brandy and cocodomal, so no more anything before 3 am at the earliest. Been thinking we are maybe able to shift focus from the dream dread to the happiness of the following day away from everything and everyone. How overjoyed we have been to imagine a life like what we have now, no violence, no phonecalls with trigger words and threats, no children screaming, no music or other slavery, no rape, no having to act like everything is okay, no being lied and manipulated by everyone, no knowing we are going to be drugged or poisoned but being powerless to stop it, knowing they are coming for the kids and not knowing if we will be able to stop any of it and knowing no one else around will.
It is going to take a while to get the hang of just being but I think we are making a start at it.
We defended ourself against Bill in a dream recently, stabbed him repeatedly. Gruesome but better than awful crippling 'can't' feeling we have had, a physical, mental and emotional squishedness, some kind of very heavy annihilating oppression that is too strong to know if it comes from inside us or out. It doesn't feel like it matters if it was weaker or us stronger. Lots of the usual stuff since then though, Margo's neglect and indifference, cycles of not being able to find Pablo, not knowing how old he is and if we will be able to recognise him, being reunited, losing him again.. We have been hearing ourself saying we were leaving things a fair bit though, school, the Johnston's.. That's always got to be good and not just because the waking up and realising we are about to start a career in academia and it was never an option be we allowed for me us and how all life was taken from Louise us.
There was a crazy vivid image of Margo driving me, Lynne, Laura and there was these massive black sheets going from way up high to the ground designed to look like the night sky but there was flaps that Margo had to slow the car down to drive through. They were impressive, beautiful as well as intimidating and scary.
The sleeping for a few hours then being awake for a while, then sleeping for a few more means that there is a high chance of being messed up by dreams twice in one day. Was the second sleep today that was the worst, very weepy and shaky.
Tonight we have not bothered with the nightnurse and just used the brandy and cocodomal, so no more anything before 3 am at the earliest. Been thinking we are maybe able to shift focus from the dream dread to the happiness of the following day away from everything and everyone. How overjoyed we have been to imagine a life like what we have now, no violence, no phonecalls with trigger words and threats, no children screaming, no music or other slavery, no rape, no having to act like everything is okay, no being lied and manipulated by everyone, no knowing we are going to be drugged or poisoned but being powerless to stop it, knowing they are coming for the kids and not knowing if we will be able to stop any of it and knowing no one else around will.
It is going to take a while to get the hang of just being but I think we are making a start at it.
