The beep
Been smiling at the date. September 1st. Has this been out first summer ever without serious abuses and/or trauma? We did hear a little girl say something like, 'I like this garden don't you Dad?' and a male voice saying he didn't because it was 'chocked with weeds' have to presume that because we heard them so clearly and mine was a bit weedy at the time that they were talking about here. It did have us feeling stuff that we recognised as triggered, even weeks afterwards we kept finding ourself thinking about the way he talked to her, the accent and how it was very much the type of thing that would happen daily in Fife when things were going okay. That petty nastiness and the sense that so much of things we overhear from strangers are scripted. We are not bombarded with that feeling every time we are exposed to any person ever as we were. Thinking this has us easing up on feeling guilty and mournful over not going out more, not going places or doing more things. We have existed and we have processed past events and do not have big fat files of new traumas to process.
We even saw a psychiatrist who stated a belief personality disorders are the result of issues during developments and that we 'do not appear delusional' although she did add that she hadn't spent much time with us to base her judgement on. Fucking wow. Seriously. We have been assigned a CPN and hope we remember the next time we see her to mention the beep. Not that she will necessary have any explanations but just the act of hearing ourself talk about something aloud can bring up new stuff we cant do without talking to someone. All we have at the moment if the guess that relates to some type of programming. We hear A, do or stop B. It's a proper auditory hallucination. It's woken us up a few times with a jolt, heart racing other times it's happened we were falling asleep and had us in the same state. It's a definite noise, a clear electronic beep and it isn't coming from our phone or from outside part of the reason it makes us jump and wake up so completely is because it didn't come from the outside world. It's really fucking loud sometimes.
What would past shrinks have said? H would of asked of our associations with loud electronic beeps and that just makes us think probably programming or maybe somewhere we were being held that had a door that beeped when someone got access to it. L (forgotten her first name already) when she wasn't being clearly evil would maybe have said it might be part that was once very buried and is know coming forward and bringing her beep with her. It's not brand new its just how often its happened that has us thinking about it. Where ever and whenever it originated its not going to be good and is extremely likely to have been very awful experiences and times. Someone suggested it was the new birds singing, which amused lots of us. Someone is also suggesting it's from our own efforts to deprogram ourself. The beep it stopping patterns from repeating, keeping our mind from going places we would be going it didn't rapidly jerk us out of them.
This morning we had one of those times when we really start to feel and remember ourself because we hadn't slept. It was a beautiful morning and we had to get baccy and ended up going for a short walk. It was lovely, the blue skies, the quietness, the old buildings and the peeling back and wearing thin of everything that keeps us from ourself. Wasn't the worst when we eventually woke up, it was tea time but we didn't too messed up from nightmares, a huge relief as there has been some doozers recently with the complex awful story lines.
Noticed today that we don't feel quite as alone as we often have, don't have that sense of being the only who cares, the only one willing and able to fight for us and against everything we fight against. There is people out there and things are ongoing.
We even saw a psychiatrist who stated a belief personality disorders are the result of issues during developments and that we 'do not appear delusional' although she did add that she hadn't spent much time with us to base her judgement on. Fucking wow. Seriously. We have been assigned a CPN and hope we remember the next time we see her to mention the beep. Not that she will necessary have any explanations but just the act of hearing ourself talk about something aloud can bring up new stuff we cant do without talking to someone. All we have at the moment if the guess that relates to some type of programming. We hear A, do or stop B. It's a proper auditory hallucination. It's woken us up a few times with a jolt, heart racing other times it's happened we were falling asleep and had us in the same state. It's a definite noise, a clear electronic beep and it isn't coming from our phone or from outside part of the reason it makes us jump and wake up so completely is because it didn't come from the outside world. It's really fucking loud sometimes.
What would past shrinks have said? H would of asked of our associations with loud electronic beeps and that just makes us think probably programming or maybe somewhere we were being held that had a door that beeped when someone got access to it. L (forgotten her first name already) when she wasn't being clearly evil would maybe have said it might be part that was once very buried and is know coming forward and bringing her beep with her. It's not brand new its just how often its happened that has us thinking about it. Where ever and whenever it originated its not going to be good and is extremely likely to have been very awful experiences and times. Someone suggested it was the new birds singing, which amused lots of us. Someone is also suggesting it's from our own efforts to deprogram ourself. The beep it stopping patterns from repeating, keeping our mind from going places we would be going it didn't rapidly jerk us out of them.
This morning we had one of those times when we really start to feel and remember ourself because we hadn't slept. It was a beautiful morning and we had to get baccy and ended up going for a short walk. It was lovely, the blue skies, the quietness, the old buildings and the peeling back and wearing thin of everything that keeps us from ourself. Wasn't the worst when we eventually woke up, it was tea time but we didn't too messed up from nightmares, a huge relief as there has been some doozers recently with the complex awful story lines.
Noticed today that we don't feel quite as alone as we often have, don't have that sense of being the only who cares, the only one willing and able to fight for us and against everything we fight against. There is people out there and things are ongoing.
